April 1
c o n t e n t s

Neil LaBute's 'Things' Have a Nice Shape

The Problem With Playing God:  Atwood Brings Her Social Sci-Fi to SLC
'The Duchess of Malfi' Thrusts Energy Into Babcock
'The Corporation' Unveils the Trappings of Corporate America

Del Toro Brings Humor and Style to 'Hellboy'

Disney Animation Finds a 'Home on the Range'

Now, today’s America makes perfect sense
The Original Rough Draft of The Bill of Rights.




lthough the Constitution makes for a pretty good read, it left out important stuff about guns and quartering British soldiers. With that in mind, our founding fathers laid their pen to parchment and wrote the first 10 amendments to our nation’s Constitution. In a dusty congressional attic, RED exclusively uncovered the following original version.

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion as long as it’s vaguely Judeo-Christian; or abridging the freedom of speech (just don’t show any nipple or run around speaking your mind), or of the damned Liberal press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, though it would be nice if they got a job and took a bath for Godsakes; and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances and receive a spiffy form letter from Orrin Hatch for their efforts.

  If liberals hadn’t sanitized the original Bill of Rights, such blatant acts of freedom could have been avoided.

Amendment II
A vaguely defined Militia, being necessary to the security of a “free” State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. Screw with this, and your back will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Amendment III
No Soldier shall be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, unless they’re American soldiers taking a well-deserved dip in some fallen despot’s palace pool.

Amendment IV
The right of the non-foreign-looking people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated—just slowly eroded.

Amendment V
No non-foreign-looking person shall be held to answer for a capital, or infamous “celebrity,” crime unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except when we feel like it; or shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb unless it’s obvious he killed his wife and the first jury was really stupid; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself because when they invoke this right we’ll know for sure they’re guilty.

Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy trial, as long as you consider two years speedy, by an ignorant and bored jury; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence—albeit over-worked and apathetic Counsel.

Amendment VII
We must, we must; we must increase our bust.

Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required although every bail is excessive when you’re poor; nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted such as eating Pop-Tarts in front of a hungry person or dressing up like a pirate and pelting someone with stale pancakes.

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people but if you understand this sentence you can probably get away with it.

Amendment X
The X-treme Amendment. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people with the exception of gay marriage, marijuana and any hot-button issue during an election year.

top of page



RED Magazine is a publication of The Daily Utah Chronicle. RED is published every Thursday (or every other Thursday during the summer). For information on advertising, call 801-581-7041. To have your event considered for publication, write to or mail to RED Magazine, 200 South Central Campus Drive #236, Salt Lake City, Utah 84112. Copyrighted material remains the property of the original owner. Web Site Copyright 2003.