Constitution makes for a pretty good read, it left out important
stuff about guns and quartering British soldiers.
With that in mind, our founding fathers laid their
pen to parchment and wrote the first 10 amendments
to our nation’s
Constitution. In a dusty congressional attic, RED
exclusively uncovered the following original version.
Congress shall make no law respecting
an establishment of religion as long as it’s
vaguely Judeo-Christian; or abridging the freedom
of speech (just don’t show any nipple or run
around speaking your mind), or of the damned Liberal
press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble,
though it would be nice if they got a job and took
a bath for Godsakes; and to petition the Government
for a redress of grievances and receive a spiffy
form letter from Orrin Hatch for their efforts.
||If liberals hadn’t sanitized the original
Bill of Rights, such blatant acts of freedom
could have been avoided.
A vaguely defined Militia, being
necessary to the security of a “free” State,
the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall
not be infringed. Screw with this, and your back
will be the first against the wall when the revolution
No Soldier shall be quartered
in any house, without the consent of the Owner, unless
they’re American soldiers taking a well-deserved
dip in some fallen despot’s palace pool.
The right of the non-foreign-looking
people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers,
and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures,
shall not be violated—just slowly eroded.
non-foreign-looking person shall be held to answer
for a capital, or infamous “celebrity,” crime
unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand
Jury, except when we feel like it; or shall any person
be subject for the same offence to be twice put in
jeopardy of life or limb unless it’s obvious
he killed his wife and the first jury was really
stupid; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case
to be a witness against himself because when they
invoke this right we’ll know for sure they’re
all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy
the right to a speedy trial, as long as you consider
two years speedy, by an ignorant and bored jury;
to be confronted with the witnesses against him;
to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses
in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel
for his defence—albeit over-worked
and apathetic Counsel.
must, we must; we must increase our bust.
bail shall not be required although every bail is
excessive when you’re
poor; nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted
such as eating Pop-Tarts in front of a hungry person
or dressing up like a pirate and pelting someone
with stale pancakes.
enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights
shall not be construed to deny or disparage others
retained by the people but if you understand this
sentence you can probably get away with it.
X-treme Amendment. The powers not delegated to the
United States by the Constitution are reserved to
the States respectively, or to the people with the
exception of gay marriage, marijuana and any hot-button
issue during an election year.