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ISSUE
  Thursday
172
  April 15
2004
c o n t e n t s
 
 

Lab Shines with 'Lapin'

Utah Ballet Proves its Strong ‘Focal Pointe’
Ballet West Concludes Season with 'Jubilation!'
 

Tarantino Adds Substance to Style

Simplicity and Poignancy in ‘The Son’
One of Last Year’s Best Films Finally Makes it To SLC

 
 
 


 
The RED Book Nook:
New Publications are Turning Heads and Turning Pages
 
by Craig Froehlich
 
Hartley Stowe’s tell-all account of the Bush administration is one of the best new publications coming soon to a local corporate chain bookstore near you.
 

Can We Bomb Iraq Yet?
Hartley Stowe
Vingh-Rhames/New York
$22.99 hardcover

“My presentation implicating al-Qaida’s role in the attacks continued despite the fact Donald Rumsfeld kept interrupting with harsh, belabored coughing. I thought he was about to die, then I realized he wasn’t really coughing. ‘Eer-ack!,’ he hacked into his cupped hand. ‘Eer-ack, Eer-ack! UUH-RACK!’ I handed him a tissue.”

Hartley Stowe presents an insider’s account of the tense hours leading up to President Bush’s realization that reasons were needed to bomb a sovereign nation. This telling tale recounts Paul Wolfowitz’s fistfight with a “swarthy-looking” War Room caterer and Vice President Dick Cheney’s habit of grabbing pictures of Saddam Hussein and rubbing them vigorously against his “ample” crotch.

“How do you like me now, my former clandestine ally?”

Truly a dream come true for the political junkie.


Jennifer Aniston is Pretty
Shanice Ludlow
Ambling-Updike Publishers
$19.99 paperback

Who would’ve known that the indiscreet beauty from Sherman Oaks, Calif., could have turned out to be a pretty starlet in yet another part of California?

“She was pretty.”

Ludlow punches the Hollywood envelope with enthralling, eyewitness accounts from Aniston’s former classmates, ranging from the boys who swear Jen smiled at them to the man in his 10-year stint as a filter-changer at “Giant Lube” who considers her “bang-worthy,” this tell-all chronicle tells all. Hence, the tell-all description.

In a surprising twist at the end, the author makes crap up.


No, God has a Trump Complex
Donald Trump
Icarus Press
$39.99 hardcover

“The Donald” digs into the deity, “Bankruptcy laws keep us mortals from attaining immortality.”

Trump lets out all his passive-aggressive angst against the guy responsible for premature male pattern baldness. “I’ll scoop out his heart with my iron-clad hair!” he bellows in this Homeresque venture into epic poetry.

“Big, ostentatious…gold-colored, everything looks like dollar $ign$,” in a rare glimpse at the real Trump, he dictates his graveyard epitaph to a waitress at a New Jersey microbrewery.

Trump never had an attractive accent like Hugh Grant, and damn it, he’ll beat it out of you just to hear you say it.

“My daughter is a slut,” he cries into his gold-plated bedpan.

Whatever you do, take notes…or you’re fired. (Hee.)


The Pork Rind Diet: Hog Fat and the Slimmer You
Jaz Ellery
Bantam-White Elephant
$18.96 paperback

The writer of Eat a Loaf of Bread a Day—and Lose! has seen the low-carb light, and it’s good!
His plummeting book sales mirror his plummeting waist size. Now, Ellery casts off his bulky bagel for a brief gnaw at some delectable jerky. He promises you’ll be in hog heaven by following this diet plan.

May the Lord have mercy on his soul.


This Week’s Featured Edition:

Since You Suddenly Think it’s Such a Big Deal— Buy My Book About Jesus
Afton Hundt
Wholley/Rollings Publishing
$29.99 hardcover

Read the truth behind “The Passion.” This is for all of you who need to have your interests validated by status quo. Not since Porky’s have folks parlayed an R-rated movie into spiritual enlightenment.

Buy it for the movie, and find a way of life. Hell, it didn’t work for “Titanic,” so let’s try again, you herding animal, you. If it doesn’t take, maybe you can get into a lather when the Alexander the Great movie comes out.
craig@red-mag.com

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