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Hartley Stowe’s
tell-all account of the Bush administration is
one of the best new publications coming soon
to a local corporate chain bookstore near you.
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Can We Bomb Iraq Yet?
Hartley Stowe
Vingh-Rhames/New York
$22.99 hardcover
“My presentation implicating al-Qaida’s
role in the attacks continued despite the fact Donald
Rumsfeld kept interrupting with harsh, belabored
coughing. I thought he was about to die, then I realized
he wasn’t really coughing. ‘Eer-ack!,’ he
hacked into his cupped hand. ‘Eer-ack, Eer-ack!
UUH-RACK!’ I handed him a tissue.”
Hartley Stowe presents an insider’s account
of the tense hours leading up to President Bush’s
realization that reasons were needed to bomb a sovereign
nation. This telling tale recounts Paul Wolfowitz’s
fistfight with a “swarthy-looking” War
Room caterer and Vice President Dick Cheney’s
habit of grabbing pictures of Saddam Hussein and
rubbing them vigorously against his “ample” crotch.
“How do you like me now, my former clandestine
ally?”
Truly a dream come true for the political junkie.
Jennifer Aniston is Pretty
Shanice Ludlow
Ambling-Updike Publishers
$19.99 paperback
Who would’ve known that the indiscreet beauty
from Sherman Oaks, Calif., could have turned out
to be a pretty starlet in yet another part of California?
“She was pretty.”
Ludlow punches the Hollywood envelope with enthralling,
eyewitness accounts from Aniston’s former classmates,
ranging from the boys who swear Jen smiled at them
to the man in his 10-year stint as a filter-changer
at “Giant Lube” who considers her “bang-worthy,” this
tell-all chronicle tells all. Hence, the tell-all
description.
In a surprising twist at the end, the author makes
crap up.
No, God has a Trump Complex
Donald Trump
Icarus Press
$39.99 hardcover
“The Donald” digs into the deity, “Bankruptcy
laws keep us mortals from attaining immortality.”
Trump lets out all his passive-aggressive angst against
the guy responsible for premature male pattern baldness. “I’ll
scoop out his heart with my iron-clad hair!” he
bellows in this Homeresque venture into epic poetry.
“Big, ostentatious…gold-colored, everything
looks like dollar $ign$,” in a rare glimpse at
the real Trump, he dictates his graveyard epitaph to
a waitress at a New Jersey microbrewery.
Trump never had an attractive accent like Hugh Grant,
and damn it, he’ll beat it out of you just
to hear you say it.
“My daughter is a slut,” he cries into
his gold-plated bedpan.
Whatever you do, take notes…or you’re
fired. (Hee.)
The Pork Rind Diet: Hog Fat and the Slimmer You
Jaz Ellery
Bantam-White Elephant
$18.96 paperback
The writer of Eat a Loaf of Bread a Day—and
Lose! has seen the low-carb light, and it’s
good!
His plummeting book sales mirror his plummeting waist
size. Now, Ellery casts off his bulky bagel for a
brief gnaw at some delectable jerky. He promises
you’ll be in hog heaven by following this diet
plan.
May the Lord have mercy on his soul.
This Week’s Featured Edition:
Since You Suddenly Think it’s Such a Big Deal— Buy
My Book About Jesus
Afton Hundt
Wholley/Rollings Publishing
$29.99 hardcover
Read the truth behind “The Passion.” This
is for all of you who need to have your interests
validated by status quo. Not since Porky’s
have folks parlayed an R-rated movie into spiritual
enlightenment.
Buy it for the movie, and find a way of life. Hell,
it didn’t work for “Titanic,” so
let’s try again, you herding animal, you. If
it doesn’t take, maybe you can get into a lather
when the Alexander the Great movie comes out.
craig@red-mag.com
