Jackson, or as he is known in the British tabloids, Jacko, initiated
legal action against war protesters, who the singer alleges have used
copyrighted chants which he owns without proper consent or compensation.
Jackson, who owns the rights to his own songs as well as many others
(including many famous Beatles hits and other songs generally thought
of as belonging in the public domain), apparently also owns some of
the pattern designs of phrases and slogans that the public commonly
refers to as “chants.” Specifically, Jacko and his team
of legal wranglers are focusing on the unauthorized use of the “ONE,
TWO, THREE, FOUR... WE DON‚T WANT YOUR FUCKING WAR!” chant,
a popular one among many groups, especially war protestors.
A team of Jackson supporters, including the Reverend Al Sharpton and
older brothers Tito and Germaine have tried to explain the singer’s
controversial position. “Michael has been castigated and ignored
simply because of his race,” said Reverend Sharpton, on a quick
break in his hectic 2004 presidential campaign. “First, Sony music
fails to promote Michael’s latest CD, so it flops…and now
this! If he owns those chants, he deserves financial compensation!”
Privately, those close to Jackson acknowledge that money may be the
true motivating factor behind the lawsuit threat. “He hasn't exactly
been selling a lot of records lately,” revealed a source close
to Jackson, “I mean the molestation suits have been rolling in
one right after the other. Getting those people to hush up costs a lot
Jackson consoles Bubbles the chimp by bathing him in gold in an
effort to make up for a traumatic window-dangling experience.
But Jackson’s monetary concerns don’t move any of the protesters
to sympathy. One group of college students, attending a peaceful rally
protesting the Bush administration’s policies, seemed surprised
at the discovery that the very words that they spoke mere moments before
could potentially land them with a hefty lawsuit. “That’s
trippy man,” said one student. “Yeah, like when I worked
at Chili’s,” he continued, “I asked someone why when
we sing ‘Happy Birthday‚’ to someone it’s like
a really weird version with clapping and stuff? Anyway, they said it
was because Michael Jackson, like, owns the original ‘Happy Birthday.’
That student’s confusion was soon followed by indignation as the
crowd’s mood began to sour. “Right now, at this very moment
women and children are dying from bombs dropped by our government, and
I’m supposed to worry about what some pasty faced freak thinks
about my chant?” yelled one student. Then, as if to illustrate
the versatility of the Jackson owned chant, the students started up
a “ONE TWO THREE FOUR…WE DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING LAWSUIT!”
“Looks to me like we might be adding a slander suit as well,”
said a combative Dewey Cheatum, Jackson’s lead lawyer, when asked
to comment on the student response. “And that ending chant there
only illustrates the point of how valuable this particular chant is.
Mr. Jackson owns all the variations of ‘ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.’
As for the ‘pasty-faced freak’ remark? This type of personal
attack is exactly why Jacko—eh excuse me, Mr. Jackson—needs
to defend his legal interests in the first place. They doesn’t
like being sued? Well neither does Mr. Jackson. How would you like it
if every child you slept with had parents who sued you for molestation?
Talks are underway to find a common ground where compromise can be reached.
When Jackson was confronted with the grim realities of what was happening
to children in war-torn Iraq, he looked shocked. “This reminds
me of my ‘Man in the Mirror’ video,” the confused
singer said. “I had no idea that there was even a war going on.
You see, I spend most of my free time sleeping in my life preserving
oxygen chamber and I don’t get a lot of time to watch the news.
Someone just now told me that U.S. troops were killing Iraqi guerrillas.”
At this point Jackson began to tear up, until someone explained that
the guerrillas were people, not actual gorillas. Jackson then began
rambling on about how he couldn’t imagine anyone killing his beloved
Bubbles, at which point someone explained that his pet Bubbles was a
chimpanzee, not a gorilla—a remark to which Jackson laughed heartily
at in his high-pitched, effeminate voice, and then said something that
didn’t make any sense. When someone asked Jackson about the lawsuit,
he looked disoriented and said, "What lawsuit?" Then he proceeded
to dangle Bubbles over a twentieth floor balcony, as reporters and photographers
watched on in morbid disbelief.