ichael Jackson, or as he is known in the British tabloids, Jacko, initiated legal action against war protesters, who the singer alleges have used copyrighted chants which he owns without proper consent or compensation.

Jackson, who owns the rights to his own songs as well as many others (including many famous Beatles hits and other songs generally thought of as belonging in the public domain), apparently also owns some of the pattern designs of phrases and slogans that the public commonly refers to as “chants.” Specifically, Jacko and his team of legal wranglers are focusing on the unauthorized use of the “ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... WE DON‚T WANT YOUR FUCKING WAR!” chant, a popular one among many groups, especially war protestors.

A team of Jackson supporters, including the Reverend Al Sharpton and older brothers Tito and Germaine have tried to explain the singer’s controversial position. “Michael has been castigated and ignored simply because of his race,” said Reverend Sharpton, on a quick break in his hectic 2004 presidential campaign. “First, Sony music fails to promote Michael’s latest CD, so it flops…and now this! If he owns those chants, he deserves financial compensation!” Privately, those close to Jackson acknowledge that money may be the true motivating factor behind the lawsuit threat. “He hasn't exactly been selling a lot of records lately,” revealed a source close to Jackson, “I mean the molestation suits have been rolling in one right after the other. Getting those people to hush up costs a lot of money.”

	Michael Jackson consoles Bubbles the chimp by bathing him in gold in an effort to make up for a traumatic window-dangling experience.

But Jackson’s monetary concerns don’t move any of the protesters to sympathy. One group of college students, attending a peaceful rally protesting the Bush administration’s policies, seemed surprised at the discovery that the very words that they spoke mere moments before could potentially land them with a hefty lawsuit. “That’s trippy man,” said one student. “Yeah, like when I worked at Chili’s,” he continued, “I asked someone why when we sing ‘Happy Birthday‚’ to someone it’s like a really weird version with clapping and stuff? Anyway, they said it was because Michael Jackson, like, owns the original ‘Happy Birthday.’ Weird, huh?”

That student’s confusion was soon followed by indignation as the crowd’s mood began to sour. “Right now, at this very moment women and children are dying from bombs dropped by our government, and I’m supposed to worry about what some pasty faced freak thinks about my chant?” yelled one student. Then, as if to illustrate the versatility of the Jackson owned chant, the students started up a “ONE TWO THREE FOUR…WE DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING LAWSUIT!” chant.

“Looks to me like we might be adding a slander suit as well,” said a combative Dewey Cheatum, Jackson’s lead lawyer, when asked to comment on the student response. “And that ending chant there only illustrates the point of how valuable this particular chant is. Mr. Jackson owns all the variations of ‘ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.’ As for the ‘pasty-faced freak’ remark? This type of personal attack is exactly why Jacko—eh excuse me, Mr. Jackson—needs to defend his legal interests in the first place. They doesn’t like being sued? Well neither does Mr. Jackson. How would you like it if every child you slept with had parents who sued you for molestation? It’s ridiculous.”

Talks are underway to find a common ground where compromise can be reached. When Jackson was confronted with the grim realities of what was happening to children in war-torn Iraq, he looked shocked. “This reminds me of my ‘Man in the Mirror’ video,” the confused singer said. “I had no idea that there was even a war going on. You see, I spend most of my free time sleeping in my life preserving oxygen chamber and I don’t get a lot of time to watch the news. Someone just now told me that U.S. troops were killing Iraqi guerrillas.” At this point Jackson began to tear up, until someone explained that the guerrillas were people, not actual gorillas. Jackson then began rambling on about how he couldn’t imagine anyone killing his beloved Bubbles, at which point someone explained that his pet Bubbles was a chimpanzee, not a gorilla—a remark to which Jackson laughed heartily at in his high-pitched, effeminate voice, and then said something that didn’t make any sense. When someone asked Jackson about the lawsuit, he looked disoriented and said, "What lawsuit?" Then he proceeded to dangle Bubbles over a twentieth floor balcony, as reporters and photographers watched on in morbid disbelief.
bart@red-mag.com