issue no.
  february 12
c o n t e n t s

The Reason for Hoobastank: Alternative Rockers Search for Meaning


This Saint No Roxy Music Album: Axson-Flynn's New Nude Look

This Saint No Roxy Music Album
Axson-Flynn’s New Nude Look
by Jamie Gadette and Jeremy Mathews

hile Janet Jackson’s recent Super Bowl faux pas may have the nation up in arms, “the boob” could be facing some serious competition.

In the wake of Christina Axson-Flynn’s lawsuit against the University of Utah’s department of theater, several publicists have contacted the defamed student-actress for a chance to speak her mind— in the nude.

“Our original idea stemmed from that channel where late-breaking stories, weather and entertainment are all delivered by naked newscasters,” the Fox Network’s Linus Bigstar said in a recent telephone interview.

Axson-Flynn took issue with the U after one of her courses presented an assignment in which she was required to say the f- word. (Officials would not disclose what this word was exactly, but sources indicate that it has nothing to do with the French.) Once she didn’t say the word and still got an A in the class, Axson-Flynn decided this was the last straw and set out to “kick some legal ass,” she said.

Although legal proceedings are somewhat stalled, Axson-Flynn is wasting no time moving on. “I had to escape the U, then the next college I briefly attended, and have finally found a place where I can be me,” she said.

Axson-Flynn has spent the last six months, barring court appearances, at Avalon, a year-round nudist resort in West Virginia billed as “The Natural Get-Away.”

While some might criticize the move as hypocritical, Axson-Flynn maintains that there is a world of difference between profanity and obscenity.

“Take Janet, for instance. Now, she let it all hang out on stage, that was pretty outrageous— but it was also very liberating,” she said. “I wasn’t offended at all. But when she sings ‘Maybe we’ll meet at a bar, he’ll drive a funky car / Maybe we’ll meet at a club, and fall so deeply in love,’ and MTV plays it over and over— that’s just sad. Those are the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard. That’s true vulgarity. I’d rather sing ‘KKK Bitch’ by Ice-T than something that sounds as if it were penned by Dr. Seuss on Quaaludes.”

Axson-Flynn’s newfound appreciation for writing and context confuses many people. “Why the hell is she still suing us, then?” asked an anonymous theater department participant, who said he heard rumors that she was collaborating on local rapper Quetté Daddie’s follow-up to The Return Missionary LP— perhaps based on his words about “LDS ‘ho’s” in the song “C.T.R.” Sources say that Daddie and Axson Flynn will appear nude outside the gates of Avalon in an upcoming photo shoot, and even nuder during their performance at next year’s Grammy Awards.

Axson-Flynn sees no problem with the collaboration.

“There’s nothing wrong with showing a little skin, especially when engaged in a completely innocent act,” she says. “Quetté and I have been close ever since he revealed his poetic side to me at a house party over in Rose Park. He’s an amazing talent and I’m proud to partake in the advancement of creative genius.

“I also don’t see the problem with exposing my breasts while improving my golf swing,” she said. “This is who I am! There’s a lot to say for being free and letting it all hang out, and you don’t need vulgarity to do so. Plus, they don’t persecute me for my religious beliefs here, like they do every other place on the planet.”

Bigstar followed Axson-Flynn to Avalon, persistently requesting her input on an in-the-works talk show. The series, slated for prime time, would feature a panel of nude religious zealots offering their take on current events. “I think it’d be a great chance to voice my opinion and discourage religious discrimination. That said, I only agreed on the condition that Quetté writes the theme music.”

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