e at RED often
look at the more trivial “entertaining” pursuits
of human kind, but we still care about America.
So today we put aside our ongoing project to write
a bawdy parody of The Eagles’ “Hotel
toss our hat into the ring of political debate. Besides,
we never got past “On a dark, desert gonad…”
||John Kerry, RED’s favorite
candidate for president of the United States,
speaks at a rally. Is that Jane Fonda in the
back? Oh, no!
America faces a decision in the coming
months. As our nation endures a mounting deficit,
war abroad and the last episode of “Friends,” it
is clear that only one man is fit to be President
of The United States of America.
Unfortunately, Batman was born in Port-au-Prince
and thus is not a native, thereby disqualifying him
from any presidential aspirations.
“Cool jizz in our hair…”
John Kerry is a man. Of that much we are certain.
John Kerry is a rich man. John Kerry is a white
man. John Kerry has a giant, blue pet ox named “Babe.” John
Kerry meets all the qualifications to be the president
However, prevailing rumors bode that Kelsey Grammer
will fill the super-hero’s codpiece in the
next installment of the Batman film series. So it
looks like John Kerry will have to settle for the
Irish. He’s Catholic. His initials
are JFK. It’s difficult not to make nostalgic
comparisons to that iconic man from our nation’s
political past— ”Bugs” Moran.
“Warm smell of cunnilingus, rising up through
John Kerry is his own man, especially after harkening
back to the glorious days of Kennedy’s “Camelot” became
a wellspring for disgusting word-play during the
When looking at the a Democratic contender for
the White House, RED looks at three things:
1. Can the candidate garner enough broad-based,
political support to eclipse the lagging, but
still formidable, popularity of George W. Bush?
2. Can the next president work effectively with “Beltway” insiders
yet still manage to enact real change?
3. Will the next president’s last name rhyme
RED’s answer to those and other questions is
an unequivocal “maybe.”
Our support of the Massachusetts Senator is emboldened
by the questionable competency of other Democratic
“Giving head in the distance, I saw my shimmering
John Edwards is playing the “redneck” card
so much it seems he’s a Pabst Blue Ribbon away
from leveling a shotgun at us and muttering “y’all
Howard Dean is fast realizing that watching
someone have a nervous breakdown on stage is
far more disturbing than a million ornamented
Janet Jackson boobs.
No one believes Al Sharpton will abandon his lucrative
Harlem “numbers racket” nor lay aside
his gig as a boxing promoter.
The choice is clear—Senator John Kerry is OUR
white, rich, man with a cadre of speechwriters. And
we want to kiss him.
“Welcome to the H0-smell California…”