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ISSUE
  Thursday
165
  February 19
2004
c o n t e n t s
 

Beer and Punk Rock:
Mest Comes to Salt Lake


 
 
 

Nationally Renowned Arts & Entertainment Magazine Endorses John Kerry
 
 
 

 
 
Nationally Renowned Arts & Entertainment Magazine Endorses John Kerry

(The Training Table gets away with “World Famous Cheese Fries,” so back off.)

 
by Craig Froehlich

e at RED often look at the more trivial “entertaining” pursuits of human kind, but we still care about America. So today we put aside our ongoing project to write a bawdy parody of The Eagles’ “Hotel California” and toss our hat into the ring of political debate. Besides, we never got past “On a dark, desert gonad…”

 
  John Kerry, RED’s favorite candidate for president of the United States, speaks at a rally. Is that Jane Fonda in the back? Oh, no!

America faces a decision in the coming months. As our nation endures a mounting deficit, war abroad and the last episode of “Friends,” it is clear that only one man is fit to be President of The United States of America.

Batman.

Unfortunately, Batman was born in Port-au-Prince and thus is not a native, thereby disqualifying him from any presidential aspirations.

“Cool jizz in our hair…”

John Kerry is a man. Of that much we are certain. John Kerry is a rich man. John Kerry is a white man. John Kerry has a giant, blue pet ox named “Babe.” John Kerry meets all the qualifications to be the president and/or Batman.

However, prevailing rumors bode that Kelsey Grammer will fill the super-hero’s codpiece in the next installment of the Batman film series. So it looks like John Kerry will have to settle for the presidency.

He’s Irish. He’s Catholic. His initials are JFK. It’s difficult not to make nostalgic comparisons to that iconic man from our nation’s political past— ”Bugs” Moran.

“Warm smell of cunnilingus, rising up through the air…”

John Kerry is his own man, especially after harkening back to the glorious days of Kennedy’s “Camelot” became a wellspring for disgusting word-play during the Clinton administration.
When looking at the a Democratic contender for the White House, RED looks at three things:

1. Can the candidate garner enough broad-based, political support to eclipse the lagging, but still formidable, popularity of George W. Bush?

2. Can the next president work effectively with “Beltway” insiders yet still manage to enact real change?

3. Will the next president’s last name rhyme with “fairy?’

RED’s answer to those and other questions is an unequivocal “maybe.”

Our support of the Massachusetts Senator is emboldened by the questionable competency of other Democratic hopefuls.

“Giving head in the distance, I saw my shimmering wife…”

John Edwards is playing the “redneck” card so much it seems he’s a Pabst Blue Ribbon away from leveling a shotgun at us and muttering “y’all better git.”

Howard Dean is fast realizing that watching someone have a nervous breakdown on stage is far more disturbing than a million ornamented Janet Jackson boobs.

No one believes Al Sharpton will abandon his lucrative Harlem “numbers racket” nor lay aside his gig as a boxing promoter.

The choice is clear—Senator John Kerry is OUR white, rich, man with a cadre of speechwriters. And we want to kiss him.

“Welcome to the H0-smell California…”
craig@red-mag.com

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RED Magazine is a publication of The Daily Utah Chronicle. RED is published every Thursday (or every other Thursday during the summer). For information on advertising, call 801-581-7041. To have your event considered for publication, write to jeremy@red-mag.com or mail to RED Magazine, 200 South Central Campus Drive #236, Salt Lake City, Utah 84112. Copyrighted material remains the property of the original owner. Web Site Copyright 2003.

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