or those who have had enough of the Democratic primary elections, relief is in sight. Next week marks the unveiling of George W. Bush’s re-election campaign, one sure to entertain even the most unpatriotic citizen.

In an attempt to boost ratings, the president has made several— mostly predictable— moves, including his recent support of a ban on gay marriage. Bush also announced an ingenious decision to label all fast-food industry jobs as “manufacturing” jobs, a proposal certain to remedy the current economic downfall.

Wanda Fishny, an employee at the McDonald’s in Skowhegan, Mich., was pleased with the official change. “Now when I tell people what I do, they treat me with respect,” Fishny said. “It doesn’t really matter that the new name doesn’t affect my yearly income. I mean, my neighbor Yoshida, she just works at an IHOP and that’s still just plain serving. She’s so jealous!!”

When this dog started humping President Bush’s leg, he screamed, “Not in my country you dirty, dirty sinner! I’m a good ol’ boy like y’all.”

Yet for all of the praise lauded upon his conservative choices, liberal parties are becoming increasingly alienated by Bush’s right-wing tunnel vision. According to a poll in a January 2004 edition of Newsweek, 52 percent of Americans do not want to see the former Texas governor back in office. In order to combat such negative reactions, campaign advisers have developed some rather surprising courses of action.

On Wednesday, the Spongmonkeys featured on Quiznos Sub commercials are slated as the official sponsors for Bush 2004. “The quirky characters make Dubya giggle,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. “Personally, I think it’s pretty creepy, but who am I to argue? Besides— they have a pepper bar! Who doesn’t like a little pepper?”

Representatives are also working to amplify the president’s television exposure. Over the past few months, media outlets have focused on everything from John Kerry and his motorcycle-riding, Vietnam-serving persona to Howard Dean’s anger-management issues and Dennis Kucinich’s striking resemblance to that cereal-obsessed Lucky the Leprechaun. Surveys indicate that although fairly mind-numbing, Americans ages 18-35 prefer to watch potential candidates in between their favorite WB programs.

In order to reach younger audiences, Bush has agreed to collaborate with Ashton Kutcher on a special six-episode edition of MTV’s “Punk’d.” The program, which typically features Kutcher pulling the wool over the eyes of various Hollywood stars and starlets, will pit Bush against his own unwitting family and friends. Possible hilarious hijink victims include Hillary Clinton, Saddam Hussein and boozehound daughter Jenna.

ABC television producer Mike Fleiss—creator of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”— is also hoping to produce a reality show based on the wild antics of our nation’s fearless leader. The season debut would re-create the burial of deceased White House pooch Spot. “I think that PETA voters would really empathize with that sort of crap,” Fleiss said. Should sentimental antics prove successful, Bush plans to release a novel recounting his experiences on the program, a memoir certain to gain approval for Oprah’s celebrated book club.

Of course, the most obvious ratings boost will be Bush’s running mate— Diet Coke with Lime. “The vice president will reflect that our team is as American as Coca-Cola. Everyone who loves America loves Coke,” Bush said in a press conference last weekend. After sniffing and wiping errant white powder from his nose, he continued, “And this way, you get the taste without the calories. Plus, it’s citrus! Now that’s classy.”

Dick Cheney was in the hospital and thus unavailable for comment, but sources indicate that the ailing VP supports Diet Coke with Lemon— not Lime.

In the end, it will all come down to whether or not liberal voters will be able to put aside four years of animosity toward the current administration long enough to endorse a man willing to sacrifice his reputation for 15 minutes of fame.
jamie@red-mag.com