||“Is that a tire iron in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” this scene from “Torque” seems to ask, coming
right before a big explosion and right after another superfluous shot of scantily clad women.
Directed by Joseph Kahn
Written by Matt Johnson
Produced by Brad Luff and Neal H. Moritz
Starring Martin Henderson, Ice Cube, Monet Mazur,
Jay Hernandez, Jaime Pressly, Matt Schulze, Adam
Scott and Fredro Starr
(out of four)
When my Dad saw the movie “Speed 2: Cruise
Control” (watching bad movies runs in the family),
he described a scene where the handsome and brave
hero is on a motorcycle chasing some nameless villain.
The villain is pure evil—something about using
an ice cream truck to lure little kiddies into his
evil clutches—and it is imperative that the
good guy catches the bad guy as fast as possible.
As he is in hot pursuit of the baddie, our hero pops
No one in his right mind would ever do this, my father
explained, as popping a wheelie on a motorcycle makes
you go a lot slower, and its purpose is entirely
to show off, not to save little kids’ lives.
What is the hero thinking?
I was reminded of this little fact while watching “Torque.” The
whole movie is like one giant popped wheelie—made
entirely to show off. Yeah, it looks neat, but it
makes you go a lot slower— little kids are
dying. What are the filmmakers thinking?
Mercifully, “Torque” is a movie that
ends in 90 minutes. But this is 90 minutes of inane
dialogue, shoddy editing and downright bizarre storytelling.
Ninety minutes of your life you’ve lost and
will never get back again.
“Torque” centers around the our hero, a
Tarzanesque biker named Cary Ford (Martin Henderson)
who just got back from laying low in Thailand to duck
some drug-trafficking scam. He returns home to L.A.
to find his girlfriend (Monet Mazur) hating his guts
and his archnemesis Henry (Matt Schulze), the guy who
set him up in the first place, setting him up again.
Henry frames Ford (Henry Ford, get it?) to take the
fall in the murder of Junior, the younger brother of
Trey (Ice Cube), leader of the Reapers motorcycle gang.
Meanwhile, a 12-year-old FBI agent named McPherson
is gunning for Ford in order to solve the Case of the
So the chase is on, as everyone is after Ford while
Ford and his cronies are out to clear his name.
Meanwhile, there’s a whole shitload of T&A shots,
XBox-style explosions, dozens of product placement
shots (aren’t you at least supposed to pretend
like you’re not doing that on purpose?) and
laughable, LAUGHABLE action sequences. If you gave
the editors of Maxim magazine some film equipment,
a couple million dollars, some corporate logos and
dropped their collective I.Q. by 100 points, you
would get the movie “Torque.”
Maybe I would have liked this movie if I were a
completely different person, with different standards
of human decency. I will admit that the whole reason
I had an interest in seeing this movie at all is
because the trailer featured a shot of a biker
babe on a bike, wearing all black leather and flashing
a butterfly knife. That was cool. But the 90 minutes
of pure, unadulterated bullshit I had to suffer
through in order to get to that one shot was sooo
not worth it. Oh, and that biker babe turned out
to be the villain’s girlfriend, China (Jaime Pressly).
She also, being a female villain in a Hollywood turd
movie, turned out to be bisexual. Could you possibly
get any more evil?
I hated this movie. I hated every stupid plot twist
and every over-acted word that came out of Ice
lips. If a character came up to Ice Cube while he
was balancing his checkbook, Ice Cube would have
said something like, “Yo, bitch, I be balancin’ mah
checkbook, NIGGAH! Where mah dawgz at? Rowrow!!!” I
hated the movie’s attempts at self-deprecating “ironic” humor.
Characters disappeared and reappeared for seemingly
no reason. The girls were skanky, even for me, and
the action scenes were edited so haphazardly, it
would have made director McG groan.
At least last year’s “The Rundown” was
stupid in a fun way. Other than comedian Dane Cook’s
cameo, “Torque” is just plain stupid.
And now, in order to make the movie a bit more
fun for you all, I leave you with some drinking
games you can play at home while watching “Torque.”
Take a swig of beer every time you see a corporate
Take a swig of beer every time characters are magically
able to hear each other over the roar of motorcycle
engines and gunshots.
Take two swigs of beer every time the movie makes
a lame attempt at irony.
Chug a beer every time a character or an object
transcends time and space and/or disappears for
the rest of the movie.
Chug a beer every time a character reappears for
seemingly no reason at all.
Take a shot every time you see Jaime Pressly lick
Punch yourself in the face for every minute you
wasted watching this lame movie.