Jordan* Offers Insight on War**
No Ham in 'Hamlet'
RED Herring
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Thursday June 12
Take A Little Trip With Me
About 99 percent of people who frequent Port O’ Call do not go there to listen to great music. They go there to get shitty and to get laid. That’s why it’s always shocking to find respectable bands rolling up at the club. It’s probably better not to question this anomaly. Swallow your pride and check out War. Watch as unsuspecting regulars become disoriented by the sounds of “Low Rider.” Hey! Is this a remix? Come even if the location goes against everything you hold sacred. Port O’ Call is located on the corner of 400 S. West Temple.

Friday June 13
Tip Toe Through The Tulips
Spend the day strolling beautifully manicured grounds—the type of lawns that most of us don’t own. Rare aesthetic pleasures will abound at Art in the Garden, a fund raiser for Bad Dog Rediscovers America featuring local art, food and non alcoholic beverages. Kismet belly dancers will also be on hand to piss off conservative opponents. The event runs from 1 to 7 p.m. Admission is only $3. Go to Rose-Sachs Gardens in Parley’s Canyon just off of I-80.

Support the Underground
Some people might just stay in tonight, paralyzed by superstitious fear. For those brave enough to venture out, SLUG Localized is a worthy destination. This month’s line up features The Captain Stabbing, The Cronies and Smashy Smashy. Come watch the latter band’s drummer wield decrepit wrists. Get Localized at the Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East.

Midnight Movie: “Friday the 13th”
Get it? Because it’s Friday the 13th. It’s funny because it’s true. Right? Get jiggy with Jason as part of the Tower Theatre’s (876 E. 900 South) Midnight Movie Series, every Friday and Saturday at around 11:59 p.m.

Do They Still Support Anarchy?
Though The Buzzcocks are often left out of discussions on punk rock, the band’s contributions to the genre can’t be overlooked. These seminal British rockers once toured with the Sex Pistols, a band whose uncouth irreverence surfaces in the Buzzcocks' own persona. The band will play in support of its latest self-titled release at DV8, 115 S. West Temple.

Saturday June 14
The Plan Band Can
Dismemberment Plan will rock a possibly overflowing Kilby Court (330 W. 700 South) around 8 p.m. Paris, Texas is also getting big, and they’ve been on tour with the plan. You must dig it.

Rack Up Some Karma
You might enjoy yourself more at the Gallivan Folk and Bluegrass Festival if you participate in the accompanying 15th Annual Walk For Life. Good deeds have a strange way of making you feel…good. Walk registration starts at 5 p.m. The entire event runs from 2 to 10 p.m and will feature bands such as Blue Haiku, Stormy Mountain Boys and Lost Highway, among others. The Gallivan Center is located at 239 S. Main Street.

Don’t Forget…
Oldies Fest! Blood, Sweat and Tears! B.J Thomas! The Grassroots starring Rob Grill! This crazy festival is not for the weak of heart. Oh wait…just bring your meds. Rock out like it’s not tomorrow at Franklin Covey Field.

Sunday June 15
Who’s Your Daddy?
My dad likes ties. He also likes calculators and Metallica CDs. It’s hard to shop for an eccentric man, but thankfully he’s pretty easy to please. How about your dad? Hope you considered that question before reading this, discovering that it’s Father’s Day and realizing that you are completely unprepared. You are a horrible, selfish child. Good luck making up for your horrible, selfish mistake.

Garlic as a Father’s Day Present?
Go to the Cotton Bottom Inn and have a garlic burger, just so you can say you did. Ahhh, pungent meat.

Monday June 16
Metal Sludge Xtravaganza
Thanks to Danger Kitty’s weekly gig at Liquid Joe’s, an increased desire for guilty pleasure hair bands has swept across the valley. Now Enuff Z’ Nuff, Pretty Boy Floyd and Faster Pussy Cat are coming to further foster our insatiable appetites. Be sure to Aquanet the hell out of your hair when you hit up Club Expose, 204 W. 2100 South.

Tuesday June 17
RED’s Summer Book Club
Christ Almighty! Please read a book, for the love of God! If you’re struggling for ideas, pick up the “other” weekly rag, currently featuring a subjective list of old novels most likely ripped from the table at Barnes and Noble entitled “Summer Reading.”

Wednesday June 18
Motherfuckers Be Trippin’
The Supersuckers want to throw down with The Mooney Suzuki for title as Best Rock and Roll Band in the World. Judge for yourself when these Arizona natives bring their fire and brimstone music to the city of salt. Place your bets at DV8, 115 S. West Temple.

If Your Are Truly Hardcore...
Remember when former assistant editor (and current publicity manager) Luciano Marzulli Vargas did that kickass cover story on Latino hardcore? Remember how badly you wanted to check out one of the bands mentioned in that story? Well, now’s your chance. All Systems Fail (formerly Kontrakultura) will deafen the naked ear and trigger movement in even the most stagnant bodies. The group will play with From Ashes Rise and Assault (from Japan). Open your mind at Uprok.

Thursday June 19
Where’d the Ween Go?
If you can’t wait until July 22 for the upcoming Ween album, quebec, to find out what new musical territory Gene and Dean have entered while sniffing scotch guard, check out tribute band Spleen at the Urban Lounge (241 S. 500 East) at 10 or 10:30 p.m. They might even play “Where’d the Cheese Go?,” the brilliant jingle that Pizza Hut refused for the new Insider pizza. “Bitch, where’s the motherfucking cheese at?”

Clown-Free Celebration
Utah Arts Festival at its new home in Library Square. Marvel at the ways in which this three-day event manages to tempt all of your senses. Not only will the event feature fine visual art, but local bands such as Redd Tape, Starmy, S.L.A.J.O., Blue Sparks and Gigi Love will offer up some musical delights. Taste buds can rejoice in everything from pizza and teriyaki bowls to the somewhat more daunting Alligator on a Stick. For tactile stimulation, there will be face painting…but there will not be clowns. Thank God. The festival runs noon to 11 p.m. through June 22. It will be held in Library Square, 400 S. 200 East. For more info, check out this week’s Art’s Section. [The opinions on clowns are solely those of Jamie Gadette, and RED Magazine’s publishers in no way want to insult the profession—an act that could bring on those scary clown union lawyers.]

Put Some More Drama in Your Life
Utah Shakespearean Festival will feature “Measure for Measure,” “Much Ado About Nothing,” “Richard III,” “1776,” “Born Yesterday” and “The Servant of Two Masters.” Mad props to anyone who has actually heard of all of these classic plays. The festival runs through Aug. 30 in Cedar City. Check out for further details.

Friday June 20
Soup Cans and Scooby Do
Where would we be without the movement that turned seemingly superficial items into art? The POP ROCK series, headed by local artist Derek Dyer, will explore the influences of such iconic figures as Andy Warhol, Superman and David Bowie as they pertain to pertinent slices of American subculture. The event is part of this month’s Gallery Stroll, which also features Kathem Alhamdani and Trent Thursby Alvey. It all goes down from 6 to 9 p.m. at various downtown galleries including the Walk of Shame Studio, Art Access II and The Bridge Space Forum Gallery. !!!

Get Excited!

(Chik Chik Chik) is coming. This tri-punctuated indie group features members of Out Hudd. According to RED’s Art Director Dave Howell, Out Hudd is like Tortoise but with more of an electronic edge. Don’t agree? Decide for yourself when both bands come to Kilby Court (330 W. 700 South)

Drink of the Week
In honor of the release of The Hulk (which may or may not please comic book geeks) we bring you:
The Incredible Hulk
     - 2 oz Vodka
     - 2 oz Peach Schnapps
     - 2 oz Midori
     - 4-6 oz Pineapple Juice

Directions: Add those three shots and fill the rest with the juice. Try drinking two or three of these as fast as you can through a straw.
Non-Alcoholic Version
Sour Apple Slurpee from 7 Eleven. Put it in one of those crazy cups that turns mild mannered Peter Parker into Batman…or something like that.

Midnight Movie: “Pink Floyd’s The Wall”
Before Alan Parker made the inexplicably awful “The Life of David Gale,” he had several excellent or at least interesting films in his filmography, including musicals like “Evita” and the pre pubescent gangster musical “Bugsy Malone.” Of these musicals, the best-known among prog-rock fans is “Pink Floyd’s The Wall,” a visual interpretation of songs that conjure up…um, cool images and fascism and cool images and rock stardom and cool images. Of course, you don’t need no education on all this, right? Part of the Tower Theatre’s Midnight Movie Series (no theme this month), every Friday and Saturday night at about 11:59 p.m.

Saturday June 21
Vans Warped Tour '03
There’s nothing quite like spending 10 hours at a shadeless fairgrounds in 100 degree heat. Especially when you’re clad in all-black. It might not appeal to everyone, but for fans of such acts as Rancid, Dropkick Murphys, A.F.I., The Suicide Machines and Taking Back Sunday, sunstroke is a small price to pay for witnessing a kickass punk show. Come watch hardcore bands attempt to adjust to Salt Lake City's most glamorous venue (the goat pen is particularly alluring).
It all goes down at the Utah State Fairgrounds.
Doors open at noon.

Sunday June 22
Susan Tedeschi
Witness the kick off of the Red Butte Garden Concert Series (300 Wakara Way). For more info, play RED’s exclusive new game, “Find the Concert Description in the Cover Story.”

Monday June 23
Yee Huh?
Some people are starting to become a little worried about The Rodeo Boys. Recently the young chaps seemed to have mellowed, exhibiting behavior indicative of taking life somewhat seriously. Though the change in attitude makes for decent music, it might transform party animals into stoic nerds. But don’t worry—although they’ve matured as musicians, they can still drink any of you under the table. Come check them out when they play with Washington, D.C.’s The Apes (a band that has been described as an organ-driven Black Sabbath). Shake your booty at the Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East.

Tuesday June 24
Stephen Jenkins Is or Is Not An Asshole: Discuss
Sometimes when I’m singing along to Third Eye Blind, I pause and consider the lyrics. Then I punch myself in the face. The radio-friendly hooks are addictive, but then again, so is heroin. If you’re looking for a quick fix of modern pop, come on down to Brick’s at 579 W. 200 South. If you don’t like our sass, go to the forum at and let us know.

Wednesday June 25
Come Alive!
Wednesday nights are local nights at the Gallivan Center. If you haven’t already taken our cue regarding the support of homegrown talent, perhaps a free outdoor concert might convince you to follow suit. It’s free. Support doesn’t always have to assume monetary form. Of course, if you’re loaded, it couldn’t hurt to make a donation or buy a CD from one of the bands. Swank 5 and The Rubes kick off the series, which runs 7 to 10 p.m. through Aug. 6. If you don’t know where the Gallivan Center is, play the "Find Directions to the Venue in the Cover Story" game.

Funky Cold Medina
Where would we be without Tone Loc? Certainly a few songs short of a complete music-to-strip-to compilation. Take it all off when the old school maestro comes to Port O’ Call (damn them and their choice concerts!), 400 S. West Temple.