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Summer More Important Than Others
A Utah Summer Fun Guide
By Craig Froehlich

hether you grow marijuana in one of Utah’s public forests or enjoy light-hearted granola fights at a Red Butte summer concert, Utah and summer fun are synonymous. I don’t care what the people at Roget’s Thesaurus think.

The clothing is coming off and the white people are getting skin cancer. Summer is here and all the praying in the world won’t keep it away (Where is your pitiful god now, fool?). So let’s head outside for some fun or at least play video games with the windows open.

Be it the lovely yet smelly shores of the Great Glorified Salt Marsh or an odd reverence for sea gulls, summers in Utah offer a unique experience when compared to normal states. Besides, the whole sea gull thing is easily explained. The ocean-going wonder rescued Mormon pioneers from certain doom when they swooped down and devoured the grasshoppers that were destroying crops. “Mormon crickets” still ravage Utah agriculture, but our heroic gulls developed a taste preference for french fries in the ensuing years. Unless your crops sit adjacent to a Burger King dumpster, consider yourself screwed.

Need practice escaping from a mountain-top fortress? Give rock-climbing a try. Our ancestors once avoided scaling cliffs and other would-be obstacles until an enlightened soul declared it a sport. We engage in dozens of unpleasant activities like climbing and hiking through thorny shrubs while pretending to enjoy them. I’m going to try my hand at defending my clan from an angry cave bear using a jagged chunk of slate. (It’s quite popular in Oregon.) Not pointless enough? You might enjoy tossing virgins into the gaping maws of volcanos to appease some primordial god.

  Jell-O snorting - yet another fun, albeit addictive, Utah summer diversion.

Yeah! Virgins! Alright!

Outdoor recreation requires physical fitness and a degree of training, so hit the local gym, tubby. Your average fitness club offers a variety of resistance machines and aerobics lessons that translate well into outdoor activities.

Maybe you can meet that special someone during your workout. Fitness clubs teem with comely lasses and hot guys. Some of those hotties might be hoping for a date. By the way, if someone knows of a polite way to discourage the man in the shower next to you from getting an erection, please let me know.

Yeah! Erections! Alright!

Putting all training aside, who doesn’t want to sport rock hard pecs or six-pack abs at Lagoon’s water park?

Speaking of Utah’s “little amusement park that could,” when looking for quality summertime entertainment, go to Lagoon instead. It’s the best place to spend five bucks on a soft drink without sitting through a two-hour movie.

While driving down 700 East, you might notice the huge golden calf in the window of the Modern Displays store. An outsider might mistake it for a graven image and think, “Boy, Moses is sure going to be pissed-off.”

Sorry dumb-ass, what you see is an ox and it’s more of a copper color.

The glittery beast of burden prepares us for July 24, a unique Utah summer holiday that honors the first white settlers of Utah. People push handcarts around and observe mules and abuse cows and all that other fun stuff the pioneers apparently enjoyed. Topping it off is a fireworks display that puts the Fourth of July to shame. Who needs the “Declaration of Independence,” and all that “in the course of human events,” crap when you have funnel cakes and “This is the place.” Sure, Brigham Young lacked Neil Armstrong’s knack for historical statements, but it’s better than, “Put my tent over there by that stump.” Imagine that on a plaque.

Many people dress up in authentic costumes. You might get the chance to talk to a real live mountain man. If not, just throw a coonskin cap on a transient and fake it.

Organized fun be damned, maybe you consider yourself a rebellious free spirit and want to hit the open road on a motorcycle. Scenic Utah abounds with those knights of the highways, those warriors of the road, those Ayatollahs of Rock n’ Rollah. Plus, it’s your best bet for getting an exciting helicopter ride with one of Utah’s excellent airborne emergency medical teams.

Yeah, I know…Helmets suck.

You have no excuse for not having a kick-butt Utah summer. Turn off that swamp cooler and start enjoying your state. Venture down to the Utah Arts Festival and marvel at a Utah artist’s innovations in painting pastoral mountain scenes in muted, boring pastel colors.

You might even see that guy who welds scrap iron together and sells it for $1,800.

Make the road trip to Cedar City for the Shakespearean Festival because the place isn’t hot enough in the spring.

Pollute like a madman in your personal watercraft.

Take in a Buzz or Stingers or Scuzz or whatever they’re called baseball game.

Utah fun is the right thing, so choose it.