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ISSUE
  Thursday
167
  March 4
2004
c o n t e n t s
 
Set to Sail on Songwriting Chops: The Decemberists’ Colin Maloy Talks About his Band’s Haunting Pop and its New, 18-Minute Prog-Rock Song
RED Reviews
 
A Dance By Any Other Name?

Lab’s ‘Hard Heart’ Hits Hard

A Tale of Two Johns:
A Review of the books by presidential candidates John Edwards and John Kerry
 
Stiller and Wilson Meet Starsky and Hutch:
The Funnymen Talk About Bringing a ’70s TV Show to the Big Screen

WEB EXCLUSIVE
‘Starsky and Hutch’ Revitalizes the TV Show Remake

Paris in the Springtime:
Bertolucci Returns to Form with ‘The Dreamers’
 
 
 
 


 
Straight to Theaters
Arnold to Appear in New Movie
 
 

by Jordan Scrivner

 

he theater is dark and inviting. The scent of popcorn and cheese permeates in an atmosphere across the rows of chairs and stuck-bubble-gum grounds. The audience trickles in, old and tired from a long day of picked-up children and picked-apart lives. Reluctantly they find their seats and plop down. Some of them even close their eyes for brief moments, letting their bodies sink into the plush of the red chairs. It’s been a long day. But now they are free to escape into the fantasy world of the movie screen. They talk among themselves for a moment as all the ads stop and the screen in front of them goes dark. The lights in the theater go out all at once. The curtains split apart and the screen glows a big, bright green.

The following trailer has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Association of America. The film previewed has not yet been rated.

The screen goes black again and an ominous noise fills the theatre. It sounds a bit like a spacecraft slowly energizing and becoming more and more powerful. The date, 1982, flashes on the screen in big, white letters. The announcer’s voice bellows from the surround-sound speakers.

Announcer: “In 1982, he battled evil warlords in ‘Conan The Barbarian.’”

1982 fades out and another date, 1987, appears on screen. During each date, the announcer continues each message with the corresponding date.

Announcer: “In 1987, he battled hunter aliens in ‘Predator.’”

Announcer: “And In 1991, he saved the world from killer androids from the future in ‘Terminator 2: Judgement Day.’”

The date fades out. The screen is now blank.

Announcer: “For more than 20 years, only one man has saved the world from destruction again and again and again.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “I am so going to kill you right now” face appears on the screen. The screen fades to black again and the announcer continues his speech.

The date, 2004, now appears on screen.

“Now, in the 21st century, the first name in action faces the last name in fear.”

The screen now shows random people getting married in a montage. Every couple in every image is two people of the same sex, either two women or two men. The announcer chimes in again.

“GAY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED!!!”

A medium shot now of two men being married. The priest in the middle, a woman, is making the vows.

Priest: “If anyone has any objections that these two not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

An explosion rocks the screen. The priest looks up and the two men look behind them.

Cut to: Arnold, in a suit and red tie, standing among the wreckage of the door. His sleeves are torn at the shoulder so that the audience can see the muscles bulging from his arms. With his left arm, he is holding a 52-GSV Bazooka and a sawed-off shotgun is in his right. As the smoke clears, we get a closeup of Arnold. He is looking right into the camera, chewing on a cigar, and he is leveling the shotgun at the three people on the pew. AC/DC’s “Back in Black” is blaring.

Arnold: “How’s this for a piece?”

As random explosions fill the screen and the audience’s ears, the announcer chimes in again.

Announcer: “In a world… where true love is forbidden and should be kept that way… only one man can stop these fags from getting that cool tax break that married couples get.”

A shot of Arnold walking away from a church. Suddenly, the church explodes, but Arnold doesn’t even flinch as he walks closer to the camera.

Announcer: “They say nothing can stand in the way of two people loving each other. Yeah, right!”

Another medium shot of Arnold standing among a pile of dead lesbians, all of them wearing bloody, torn wedding attire. Arnold rips the heart out of the chest of the female groom.

Arnold: “Looks like somebody left her heart in San Francisco.”

Announcer: “Arnold Schwarzenegger IS… Straight… So YOU should be too!”

Fade to black…
jordan@red-mag.com

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