is dark and inviting. The
scent of popcorn and cheese permeates in an atmosphere
across the rows of chairs and stuck-bubble-gum grounds.
The audience trickles in, old and tired from a long
day of picked-up children and picked-apart lives.
Reluctantly they find their seats and plop down.
Some of them even close their eyes for brief moments,
letting their bodies sink into the plush of the red
chairs. It’s been a long day. But now they
are free to escape into the fantasy world of the
movie screen. They talk among themselves for a moment
as all the ads stop and the screen in front of them
goes dark. The lights in the theater go out all at
once. The curtains split apart and the screen glows
a big, bright green.
The following trailer has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES
by the Motion Picture Association of America. The
film previewed has not yet been rated.
The screen goes black again and an ominous noise
fills the theatre. It sounds a bit like a spacecraft
slowly energizing and becoming more and more powerful.
The date, 1982, flashes on the screen in big, white
letters. The announcer’s voice bellows from
the surround-sound speakers.
Announcer: “In 1982, he battled evil warlords
in ‘Conan The Barbarian.’”
1982 fades out and another date, 1987, appears on
screen. During each date, the announcer continues
each message with the corresponding date.
Announcer: “In 1987, he battled hunter aliens
Announcer: “And In 1991, he saved the world
from killer androids from the future in ‘Terminator
2: Judgement Day.’”
The date fades out. The screen is now blank.
Announcer: “For more than 20 years, only one
man has saved the world from destruction again and
again and again.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “I am so going
to kill you right now” face appears on the
screen. The screen fades to black again and the announcer
continues his speech.
The date, 2004, now appears on screen.
“Now, in the 21st century, the first name in
action faces the last name in fear.”
The screen now shows random people getting married
in a montage. Every couple in every image is two
people of the same sex, either two women or two
men. The announcer chimes in again.
“GAY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED!!!”
A medium shot now of two men being married. The priest
in the middle, a woman, is making the vows.
Priest: “If anyone has any objections that
these two not be wed, let them speak now or forever
hold their peace.”
An explosion rocks the screen. The priest looks
up and the two men look behind them.
Cut to: Arnold, in a suit and red tie, standing
among the wreckage of the door. His sleeves are
torn at the shoulder so that the audience can see
the muscles bulging from his arms. With his left
arm, he is holding a 52-GSV Bazooka and a sawed-off
shotgun is in his right. As the smoke clears, we
get a closeup of Arnold. He is looking right into
the camera, chewing on a cigar, and he is leveling
the shotgun at the three people on the pew. AC/DC’s “Back in Black” is
Arnold: “How’s this for a piece?”
As random explosions fill the screen and the
ears, the announcer chimes in again.
a world… where true love
is forbidden and should be kept that way… only
one man can stop these fags from getting that
cool tax break that married couples get.”
A shot of Arnold walking away from a church.
Suddenly, the church explodes, but Arnold doesn’t even
flinch as he walks closer to the camera.
Announcer: “They say nothing can stand in the
way of two people loving each other. Yeah, right!”
Another medium shot of Arnold standing among
a pile of dead lesbians, all of them wearing
bloody, torn wedding attire. Arnold rips the
heart out of the chest of the female groom.
Arnold: “Looks like somebody left her heart
in San Francisco.”
Schwarzenegger IS… Straight… So
YOU should be too!”
Fade to black…