he age of the knowledgeable filmgoer has finally arrived. The Motion Picture Association of America has announced a new rating system, with at least one for every letter of the alphabet. Films may even be eligible for more than one, so now is the time to familiarize yourself with them. The MPAA offered the following descriptions of each of the ratings.

Rated A
“As per Roger Ebert’s proposition, this rating means ‘adults only’ and replaces the ‘NC-17’ rating. Now works of art with explicit scenes can be ostracized for this rating instead of ‘NC-17’.”

Rated B
“Requires brains to view. Contains either a complex plot or subtitles.”

Rated C
“Extreme cleavage.”

Rated CCP
“Penises appear, but only in the context of a concentration camp.”

Rated CTG
“Includes at least one scene in which a car drives through a pane of glass. The glass is preferably carried by two men walking across the street, but could also be in the large window of a building.”

Rated D
“Either Dick Van Dyke or a penis appears outside of ‘CCP’ context.”

Rated E
“Includes enough large explosions to satiate a pyromaniac.”

Rated FFA
“Includes an obviously fake foreign accent.”

Rated GIR-2
“Guy in a room for two hours.”

Rated GIR-2S
“Guy in a room, smoking, for two hours.”

Rated GS
“Geriatric sex.”

Rated GWS
“Your girlfriend wants to see it.”

Rated HSTAV
“Holy shit, there’s a vagina.”

Rated IYLCYCSAT:
“If you look closely, you can see a tit. Rating holds promise in the growing DVD market of freeze-frame and zoom without the annoying VCR lines.”

Rated JESFYT
“Just enough swear words for the film to still be suitable for young teenagers and pretty much anyone who buys a ticket, since the theaters only ID for ‘R’.”

Rated JBEQC
“Contains just barely enough questionable content to only be suitable for young teenagers and older. This rating is reserved for independent and foreign films that are more enriching than ‘JESFYT’-rated material, but that didn’t have studio lawyers carefully altering the content to get a specific rating.

Rated KKK
“No people of color, Jews or Catholics.”

Rated LMLYP
“Features music by Ween.”

Rated MIR
“A remake of a classic thriller whose main difference is clear sounds of masturbation while Norman Bates spies through the peephole.”

Rated NV
“Contains no violence.”

Rated O
“Modern-day high school version of Shakespeare’s ‘Othello’ with hot young actors.”

Rated PE
“Contains a nondescript plummeting end to the villain in order not to upset the kids. Reserved for Disney cartoons.”

Rated Q
“Questionable storyline. Applies to films such as ‘Mulholland Drive’ in which the actual story is indecipherable.”

Rated R
“The director managed to get the studio to allow him or her to go beyond the ‘JESFYT’ requirements.”

Rated SC
“A situation comedy.”

Rated SGBPNWYT
“Semi-good but probably not worth your time.”

Rated T
“You don’t have to look closely to see these tits. Also a popular rating on the DVD market, as it was on VHS.”

Rated UW
“Utterly Worthless.”

Rated VWAP
“The violence actually has artistic purpose.”

Rated W
“Contains women.”

Rated X
“Fun for the whole family.”

Rated XXX
“Stars Vin Diesel.”

Rated YGBFKM
“A grand historical epic with a romance thrown in. Then someone dies, inspiring cries of ‘You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!’”

Rated YWBTMI
“You won’t believe they made it.”

Rated Z
“Jay-Z appears on the soundtrack.”

(Additional reporting by Dave Howell and Craig Froehlich.)
jeremy@red-mag.com