Eat Your Freedom Fries with Righteous Indignation

By Craig Froehlich

he editorial staff of RED Magazine stands firmly in allegiance with the brave members of Congress who ordered the word “French” stricken from all House cafeteria menus.

In troubled times, the United States cannot afford to honor the traitorous French by linking them to fat-fried strips of potato.

This legal French-American U.S. Citizen is being hauled off to an internment camp to maintain the "freedom" in our fries, kisses and ticklers.

We offer a big, slobbering Freedom Kiss to the public servants with the gumption to give hell to those Frogs.

And the “Fi-Fi La Fagues” are obviously smarting from the public slight: “Honestly. We are working these days on very, very serious issues of war and peace, life or death. We are not working on potatoes,” French spokeswoman Nathalie Loiseau said.

Ouch! How does that taste, Pierre? We aren’t going to stop at Freedom Fries either.

“From now on I will only pleasure my women with FREEDOM ticklers,” RED editor Jeremy Mathews pledged, “and no longer will I pretend to like French films. God, I hope Ingmar Bergman is French.” [Editor’s note: Jeremy knows Bergman is one of the best directors of all time.]

“And I will pronounce the ‘t’ in Chevrolet,” some guy we were otherwise ignoring said.

Of course, we hold no ill will against the chain-smoking, cologne-instead-of-showers French people. We only fault their government and their stupid-ass poodles for daring to challenge our beloved leader with that tired logic of “You can’t just bomb people for no good reason.” Well, perhaps we’d listen if you didn’t talk out of your nose, you over sexed, cat-raping Pepé le Peus.

The United States, of course, saved France’s derrière in World War II back in the 1920s. Don’t you people remember your history? You’d be speaking Russian if it wasn’t for us. The only thing they ever gave us was the dumb, stupid Statue of Liberty. When is the last time that thing ever stood as beacon of freedom and democracy?


We have plenty of food named after America, such as American Cheese. Yes, that tasteless orange hued, congealed vegetable-oil, slice of heaven in cellophane is 100 percent U.S. of A. We at RED might throw a fervent, pro America “Cheese Out” and eat only American fromage and wash it down with good, American wine. (I like the watermelon flavored kind.)

This ingenious counter-measure to French peace-mongering comes straight outta North Carolina, which is basically the center of American intellectualism. It was in a North Carolina diner where the greatest patriot in American history put stickers over any mention of the word “French” in their menu.

Wow, stickers.

We at RED suggest you support this often-maligned state by taking up smoking and wearing nylon NASCAR caps. Vive la North Carolina and Vive la Guerre!

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