staff of RED Magazine stands firmly in allegiance with the brave members
of Congress who ordered the word “French” stricken from
all House cafeteria menus.
In troubled times, the United States cannot afford to honor the traitorous
French by linking them to fat-fried strips of potato.
legal French-American U.S. Citizen is being hauled off to an internment
camp to maintain the "freedom" in our fries, kisses
We offer a big, slobbering Freedom Kiss to the public servants with
the gumption to give hell to those Frogs.
And the “Fi-Fi La Fagues” are obviously smarting from the
public slight: “Honestly. We are working these days on very, very
serious issues of war and peace, life or death. We are not working on
potatoes,” French spokeswoman Nathalie Loiseau said.
Ouch! How does that taste, Pierre? We aren’t going to stop at
Freedom Fries either.
“From now on I will only pleasure my women with FREEDOM ticklers,”
RED editor Jeremy Mathews pledged, “and no longer will I pretend
to like French films. God, I hope Ingmar Bergman is French.” [Editor’s
note: Jeremy knows Bergman is one of the best directors of all time.]
“And I will pronounce the ‘t’ in Chevrolet,”
some guy we were otherwise ignoring said.
Of course, we hold no ill will against the chain-smoking, cologne-instead-of-showers
French people. We only fault their government and their stupid-ass poodles
for daring to challenge our beloved leader with that tired logic of
“You can’t just bomb people for no good reason.” Well,
perhaps we’d listen if you didn’t talk out of your nose,
you over sexed, cat-raping Pepé le Peus.
The United States, of course, saved France’s derrière in
World War II back in the 1920s. Don’t you people remember your
history? You’d be speaking Russian if it wasn’t for us.
The only thing they ever gave us was the dumb, stupid Statue of Liberty.
When is the last time that thing ever stood as beacon of freedom and
We have plenty of food named after America, such as American Cheese.
Yes, that tasteless orange hued, congealed vegetable-oil, slice of heaven
in cellophane is 100 percent U.S. of A. We at RED might throw a fervent,
pro America “Cheese Out” and eat only American fromage and
wash it down with good, American wine. (I like the watermelon flavored
This ingenious counter-measure to French peace-mongering comes straight
outta North Carolina, which is basically the center of American intellectualism.
It was in a North Carolina diner where the greatest patriot in American
history put stickers over any mention of the word “French”
in their menu.
We at RED suggest you support this often-maligned state by taking up
smoking and wearing nylon NASCAR caps. Vive la North Carolina and Vive