March 25
c o n t e n t s

Even Better than ‘The Real Thing’

Lab to be In the Company of Neil LaBute (With free punch and cookies!)

The Canadian Invasions
Quebecois Director Denys Arcand Discusses His New Film and Its Oscar Win, the Canadian Health-Care System and Jesus

Elaborate Filmmaking of the Thoughtful Kind

  Spring Break Breakdown
Cool-Lookin’ Ken Looks for Love in all the Wrong Places

by Hayley Heaton


ue to the now largely publicized breakup with longtime mate, Barbie (which RED reported years ago), it is reported that Cool-Lookin’ Ken has landed himself in the psych ward of New York-Presbyterian Hospital in New York City.

The sudden escape to Manhattan came about when Barbie wanted to split the couple’s assets, claiming that she should keep the hot pink Corvette and Dream House and Ken should keep the CDs and Skipper’s Jeep. Skipper was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the couple reported that Ken wasn’t at all cool with that and stormed out of the Dream House in a rage, reportedly to patch things up with Tinky Winky again. “I was just getting ready to mow the front lawn when I saw Mister Ken leap out the front door and say, ‘I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS CRAZY LOVETOWN!’” said lawn boy Mike. “He had the look of a sweaty-toothed madman. I was scared of him, so I just hid behind the pink dream-mower.”

  Everybody’s favorite plastic hero went a little crazy in The Big Apple after the old news of his breakup went public.

Ken arrived at the Salt Lake City International Airport and booked the first first-class flight he could hop on. Startled travelers looked on as Ken loudly shouted, “New York or bust!” as he ran through the D terminal to catch his flight. As distraught as he was, it was no surprise that fellow flight passengers found Ken face-down in a bag of airline snack mix and guzzling Bloody Marys. First-class cabin flight attendant Heather Thomas said, “That fake man had too many drinks in him. He even tried to flirt with me. A woman can’t even do her job without a drunken, 12-inch, plastic thing in her face anymore.”

Ken headed straight from JFK International Airport to the check-in desk of the famed Plaza Hotel where he apparently booked a suite with Barbie’s black American Express card under the name Fabio. Ken’s cab driver, Guy Srerock, told RED, “he sobbed the whole time, my friend, the whole time. And when he wasn’t sobbing, he was asking where he could score some high school chicks or football players. He didn’t leave me a tip, either.”

Obviously desperate for love or affection of any kind, Ken was later spotted with Franz Nerfando, a former chorus member of the long-running Broadway hit “Cats.” The two of them were seen at a trendy night spot The Slipper Room, competing in a monthly aireoke contest. (Aireoke is the karaoke of air guitar.) Neither participant fared very well in the stiff competition as recently featured RED Magazine poet Adam Davis showed up to perform his infamous version of “I Love New York City” by Andrew W. K. Davis reportedly said, “That doll didn’t even have a chance winning against me and the W.K. I’m like Meatloaf on crack up there and the crowd just eats it up with a side of gravy.”

Feeling the stress and disappointment of their loss, the two immediately split up. Of the three-hour relationship and quick end thereof, Nerfando said, “He’s too self-destructive for me. Anyone who aireokes ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’ in front of a hoard of inebriated New Yorkers clearly has serious issues. Besides, I was just using him because I heard he knew the Fab Five.” The Fab Five were unavailable for comment, but their spokesperson said they were away converting Skipper’s boyfriend’s dream studio apartment.

As if things couldn’t get any worse for Ken, he was later seen at Dip, a very hip Manhattan fondue restaurant, with Paris Hilton. The two of them held hands, but as soon as the coq au vin arrived at the table, Ken took a flying leap straight into the hot pot. “It was like, ‘Oh my God, Ken, what are you doing?’ I think he, like, thought that it was like Barbie’s hot tub or something. Do you like my dress? It’s really green,” Hilton said.

Cool Lookin’ Ken was rushed to New York-Presbyterian Hospital by ambulance and treated for severe burns. After a strenuous psych evaluation, doctors have reported that Ken needs some serious R&R before returning back to the RED Magazine office. We all wish you well and hope for a speedy recovery, Ken.

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RED Magazine is a publication of The Daily Utah Chronicle. RED is published every Thursday (or every other Thursday during the summer). For information on advertising, call 801-581-7041. To have your event considered for publication, write to or mail to RED Magazine, 200 South Central Campus Drive #236, Salt Lake City, Utah 84112. Copyrighted material remains the property of the original owner. Web Site Copyright 2003.