hile the Pope officially declared the U.S.-led war on Iraq a “sin,” overfed right-wing Christian Coalition talk-radio hosts continue to ask whose side god is on. In a surprising turn of events Wednesday, the answer to their questions arrived when British intelligence officers spotted god leaving one of Iraq President Saddam Hussein’s secret bunkers, reportedly known as the “boom boom room,” in the midst of a U.S. bombing run.

Sources from U.K. intelligence for Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.) said that officers saw the deity wearing what looked like a “May God Continue to Bless Iraq” T-shirt. “If he’s for blessing Iraq and he’s a god, I can only assume he’ll bless us,” said Iraqi civilian Masad Yasin. Yasin was later killed when a U.S. bomb fell on his house.

“I totally disagree with that statement,” said U.S. soldier Sergeant George Ike Jones from Scottsbluff, Texas. “God is on our side, like that Bob Dylan song says.” Jones later perished when a U.S. bomb fell on his sleeping bag.

	Who and where this hand is touching could decide who wins the war.

Inside sources from the White House report that Gov. George W. Bush hasn’t been taking the news well. In his last meeting with god, people heard shouting through the door. “You could have at least taken a shower before seeing me,” Bush reportedly said, after god claimed, “You know I still love you, baby.”

This loss would be particularly hard on Bush, who has reportedly fallen out of favor with Satan due to disagreements over the war.

“I thought the first Gulf War was enough,” the fallen angel Lucifer said. “Besides, the U.S. never stopped bombing Iraq and the embargo kills enough people daily. I mean, you know I love death and destruction and making false promises to Iraqis, but you’ve got to come up with a good reason to do it first—and do it legally.”

Satan also said he understood why god might favor Hussein. “Sure, Saddam was the only one who voted, but at least he won the election. I don’t even know why Bush is acting as president. I’m Satan and I didn’t do it. That’s just low.”

Ari Fleischer declined to comment on god’s or Satan’s positions, but John Ashcroft said that “Bush has been distraught because Satan stopped coming to his Coke-and-gin parties. ‘Luci was the life of the party, now we just watch Ridge drink gin until his vomit alert goes to level red,’ he told me.”

Officials began to suspect that god was two-timing the United States when Hussein gave a speech that, an anonymous CIA official said, “sounded a lot like the one Bush gave with all the ‘god will see that we win’ stuff.”

Other news outlets haven’t reported on the “god factor” yet, because they’re too busy “reporting” the terror-alert color and discussing the camel-riding Iraqis’ amazement at seeing big, high-tech U.S. tanks with 120-mm shotguns, but experts say that it could decide the war.

According to an independent poll conducted by RED Magazine, 60 percent of Americans still don’t understand why Bush is in the White House and demand a recount. Fifty percent are glad that war coverage didn’t completely interfere with March Madness and 90 percent are glad gas hasn’t peaked over $2.50 a gallon yet.
jeremy@red-mag.com
lou@red-mag.com