Pope officially declared the U.S.-led war on Iraq a “sin,”
overfed right-wing Christian Coalition talk-radio hosts continue to
ask whose side god is on. In a surprising turn of events Wednesday,
the answer to their questions arrived when British intelligence officers
spotted god leaving one of Iraq President Saddam Hussein’s secret
bunkers, reportedly known as the “boom boom room,” in the
midst of a U.S. bombing run.
Sources from U.K. intelligence for Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.)
said that officers saw the deity wearing what looked like a “May
God Continue to Bless Iraq” T-shirt. “If he’s for
blessing Iraq and he’s a god, I can only assume he’ll bless
said Iraqi civilian Masad Yasin. Yasin was later killed when a U.S.
bomb fell on his house.
“I totally disagree with that statement,” said U.S. soldier
Sergeant George Ike Jones from Scottsbluff, Texas. “God is on
our side, like that Bob Dylan song says.” Jones later perished
when a U.S. bomb fell on his sleeping bag.
and where this hand is touching could decide who wins the war.
Inside sources from the White House report that Gov. George W. Bush
hasn’t been taking the news well. In his last meeting with god,
people heard shouting through the door. “You could have at least
taken a shower before seeing me,” Bush reportedly said, after
god claimed, “You know I still love you, baby.”
This loss would be particularly hard on Bush, who has reportedly fallen
out of favor with Satan due to disagreements over the war.
“I thought the first Gulf War was enough,” the fallen angel
Lucifer said. “Besides, the U.S. never stopped bombing Iraq and
the embargo kills enough people daily. I mean, you know I love death
and destruction and making false promises to Iraqis, but you’ve
got to come up with a good reason to do it first—and do it legally.”
Satan also said he understood why god might favor Hussein. “Sure,
Saddam was the only one who voted, but at least he won the election.
I don’t even know why Bush is acting as president. I’m Satan
and I didn’t do it. That’s just low.”
Ari Fleischer declined to comment on god’s or Satan’s positions,
but John Ashcroft said that “Bush has been distraught because
Satan stopped coming to his Coke-and-gin parties. ‘Luci was the
life of the party, now we just watch Ridge drink gin until his vomit
alert goes to level red,’ he told me.”
Officials began to suspect that god was two-timing the United States
when Hussein gave a speech that, an anonymous CIA official said, “sounded
a lot like the one Bush gave with all the ‘god will see that we
Other news outlets haven’t reported on the “god factor”
yet, because they’re too busy “reporting” the terror-alert
color and discussing the camel-riding Iraqis’ amazement at seeing
big, high-tech U.S. tanks with 120-mm shotguns, but experts say that
it could decide the war.
According to an independent poll conducted by RED Magazine, 60 percent
of Americans still don’t understand why Bush is in the White House
and demand a recount. Fifty percent are glad that war coverage didn’t
completely interfere with March Madness and 90 percent are glad gas
hasn’t peaked over $2.50 a gallon yet.