Cool-Lookin' Ken for ASUU President

 
 
 
 
 
 
By Luciano Marzulli Vargas

 

 

n a rash decision late this Wednesday afternoon, the world’s favorite bi-sexual plastic doll and official mascot of RED Magazine announced his candidacy to run for president of the Associated Students of the University of Utah (ASUU) as a write-in candidate. “Write in Cool-Lookin’ Ken,” said the underground CLK Party pamphlets.


Ken’s plan to run had been in place since the outcome of last year’s election. “I couldn’t believe that those dorks from the Impact party won. What the fuck, what the fuck?” Ken said.


Since the inaugural ceremony and the new student government’s rise to power, Ken networked diligently trying to bring students together to form a party and a platform to run on for the following year’s election.

 
Ken was previously involved in politics when Henry Kissinger checked out his package. Vote for him today. It's a big package.
 


“At first I had so much energy and everyone seemed really receptive to running for office and developing a winning platform, but after about a month or two of organizing, people just stopped coming to meetings. I think it’s ’cause I’m plastic,” said Ken.


Ken alleges that other ASUU parties were already preparing to file grievances in early June, in opposition to Ken’s bi-sexual plasticality and lack of a last name.


Laureen Fluffington was Ken’s potential running mate and told RED why she dropped out of the plans to run. “Ken has really great ideas, and I’ve never seen such passion, but when we started looking at the filing papers, I realized that even if we file with no problems, this campus isn’t ready for a plastic doll for a president—let alone one that’s bi sexual.”


Ken was crushed. Luckily, the party broke up late in June, which gave ample time for Ken to pursue other projects.


Ken moved to L.A. in hopes of reviving his fledgling music career. “I really like the whole idea of reviving ’60s-style psychedelic pop, but I play tenor banjo, not guitar. I played my dreams away to so many drunks in seedy dives that I was about to quit. And then, like a godsend, Phil Spector saw me play and told me about his dream to revive the tenor banjo through ’60s psychedelic pop.”


Just as Ken’s quest to become ASUU president became impossible, his dream to become a superstar became more substantial every day.


According to Ken, Spector can be a real “monster” in the studio. “We were going for the whole ‘wall of sound’ thing and I’m not used to playing the same tenor banjo line with like five other players, three five-string banjo players, three drummers and four guitarists. I was out of my league.”


It took a week’s worth of studio work just to lay down one track, and it didn’t even make the final cut. Ken admits that he worked much faster when Spector pulled a gun on him in the studio and told him to “play that banjo like a real life rocker, you plastic bitch. And your vocals sound like your lungs are the size of a dime.” With the added incentive to play well, they got through material at a quicker pace, but were still in the process of working in the studio at the time of Spector’s arrest for the alleged shooting death of Lana Clarkson.


“I wasn’t really surprised that they found Clarkson’s dead body in Spector’s house, considering he pulled a gun on me, Leonard Cohen and Dee Dee Ramone,” Ken said.


Just as he was coming back into Salt Lake City with his tail between his legs, the student government election season was about to begin.


“At first I didn’t even want to be on campus to witness that debacle, but then something stirred in me—kind of like when you eat something you know you shouldn’t have and your stomach feels like it’s having miniature earthquakes. That’s when I decided to run again as a write-in candidate,” said Ken.
Political analyst George Carville said that if the CLK Party actually wins it won’t have an adverse effect on the student government. “Cool-Lookin’ Ken’s presidency will reflect the presidencies of the most recent ASUU presidents. He’ll probably just sit around in his office—he is plastic after all.”


Members from opposing parties have tried to get Ken disqualified on the basis that he is plastic and that he can’t turn his head. However, it proved difficult to disqualify a write-in candidate. Ken has been successfully banned from all debates, however.


“They don’t want me to debate because they know I have the solutions that speak to the people,” Ken said, but he’s confident in his victory and his reassurance that he is not running as a spoiler.


If victorious, Ken promises to print RED in full-color glossy paper, distribute free condoms in all campus buildings (“flavored ones, I promise”), magic parking lots that float above the most popular buildings, free lunch every day, a wet campus (“I’ve already got a flask in my pants”) and will fund the Presenter’s Office with enough money to bring in Elvis Costello, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix and a reunited Talking Heads.


Write Ken in for ASUU president when you vote, just type in Cool Lookin’ Ken.
Voting is easy. To vote visit www.asuu.utah.edu click on the voting icon, enter the secured student access thing, type in your personal information click on another voting icon, write in Cool Lookin’ Ken for president, fill out the rest of the form, submit it, do five jumping jacks, drink a glass of water and write a one-page paper about why you love RED Magazine and which local bands you’d like to see play our upcoming party. Visit www.red-mag.com for campaign updates.
lou@red-mag.com
Jeremy Mathews contributed to this article.


 
     
 
 
 
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