n a rash decision late this
Wednesday afternoon, the world’s favorite bi-sexual plastic
doll and official mascot of RED Magazine announced his candidacy to
run for president of the Associated Students of the University of
Utah (ASUU) as a write-in candidate. “Write in Cool-Lookin’
Ken,” said the underground CLK Party pamphlets.
Ken’s plan to run had been in place since the outcome of last
year’s election. “I couldn’t believe that those
dorks from the Impact party won. What the fuck, what the fuck?”
Since the inaugural ceremony and the new student government’s
rise to power, Ken networked diligently trying to bring students together
to form a party and a platform to run on for the following year’s
was previously involved in politics when Henry Kissinger checked
out his package. Vote for him today. It's a big package.
“At first I had so much energy and everyone seemed really receptive
to running for office and developing a winning platform, but after
about a month or two of organizing, people just stopped coming to
meetings. I think it’s ’cause I’m plastic,”
Ken alleges that other ASUU parties were already preparing to file
grievances in early June, in opposition to Ken’s bi-sexual plasticality
and lack of a last name.
Laureen Fluffington was Ken’s potential running mate and told
RED why she dropped out of the plans to run. “Ken has really
great ideas, and I’ve never seen such passion, but when we started
looking at the filing papers, I realized that even if we file with
no problems, this campus isn’t ready for a plastic doll for
a president—let alone one that’s bi sexual.”
Ken was crushed. Luckily, the party broke up late in June, which gave
ample time for Ken to pursue other projects.
Ken moved to L.A. in hopes of reviving his fledgling music career.
“I really like the whole idea of reviving ’60s-style psychedelic
pop, but I play tenor banjo, not guitar. I played my dreams away to
so many drunks in seedy dives that I was about to quit. And then,
like a godsend, Phil Spector saw me play and told me about his dream
to revive the tenor banjo through ’60s psychedelic pop.”
Just as Ken’s quest to become ASUU president became impossible,
his dream to become a superstar became more substantial every day.
According to Ken, Spector can be a real “monster” in the
studio. “We were going for the whole ‘wall of sound’
thing and I’m not used to playing the same tenor banjo line
with like five other players, three five-string banjo players, three
drummers and four guitarists. I was out of my league.”
It took a week’s worth of studio work just to lay down one track,
and it didn’t even make the final cut. Ken admits that he worked
much faster when Spector pulled a gun on him in the studio and told
him to “play that banjo like a real life rocker, you plastic
bitch. And your vocals sound like your lungs are the size of a dime.”
With the added incentive to play well, they got through material at
a quicker pace, but were still in the process of working in the studio
at the time of Spector’s arrest for the alleged shooting death
of Lana Clarkson.
“I wasn’t really surprised that they found Clarkson’s
dead body in Spector’s house, considering he pulled a gun on
me, Leonard Cohen and Dee Dee Ramone,” Ken said.
Just as he was coming back into Salt Lake City with his tail between
his legs, the student government election season was about to begin.
“At first I didn’t even want to be on campus to witness
that debacle, but then something stirred in me—kind of like
when you eat something you know you shouldn’t have and your
stomach feels like it’s having miniature earthquakes. That’s
when I decided to run again as a write-in candidate,” said Ken.
Political analyst George Carville said that if the CLK Party actually
wins it won’t have an adverse effect on the student government.
“Cool-Lookin’ Ken’s presidency will reflect the
presidencies of the most recent ASUU presidents. He’ll probably
just sit around in his office—he is plastic after all.”
Members from opposing parties have tried to get Ken disqualified on
the basis that he is plastic and that he can’t turn his head.
However, it proved difficult to disqualify a write-in candidate. Ken
has been successfully banned from all debates, however.
“They don’t want me to debate because they know I have
the solutions that speak to the people,” Ken said, but he’s
confident in his victory and his reassurance that he is not running
as a spoiler.
If victorious, Ken promises to print RED in full-color glossy paper,
distribute free condoms in all campus buildings (“flavored ones,
I promise”), magic parking lots that float above the most popular
buildings, free lunch every day, a wet campus (“I’ve already
got a flask in my pants”) and will fund the Presenter’s
Office with enough money to bring in Elvis Costello, Bob Dylan, Jimi
Hendrix and a reunited Talking Heads.
Write Ken in for ASUU president when you vote, just type in Cool Lookin’
Voting is easy. To vote visit www.asuu.utah.edu
click on the voting icon, enter the secured student access thing,
type in your personal information click on another voting icon, write
in Cool Lookin’ Ken for president, fill out the rest of the
form, submit it, do five jumping jacks, drink a glass of water and
write a one-page paper about why you love RED Magazine and which local
bands you’d like to see play our upcoming party. Visit www.red-mag.com
for campaign updates.
contributed to this article.