can't get enough of Jessica Simpson.
USA Today says so. The pop singer and reality-show star has become
a "guilty national pleasure." We just want more and more
of the sexy 23-year-old. She's like crack cocaine that says stupid
critics fault the media, but that's just because social critics
lack fulfilling sex lives and never learned to swim because they
were scared to change in front of classmates. Nonetheless, the entertainment
world remains agog over the petite beauty who stars in MTV's "Newlyweds"
alongside her hunky husband, Watts Hizname.
zany on-screen antics include her assertion that buffalo wings are
made from buffalo and her hysteria over her Hostess Snowballs melting.
refrain from describing her dissertation on kumquats.
most celebrated moment came when she asserted Chicken of the Sea
tuna actually came from wet chickens.
the succulent starlet quickly clarified her position at an emergency
press conference: "I hate fish so much, but I like tuna, so
therein lies the bewildering paradox." Then she dumped a bucket
of confetti over her head. "MWAAH," she added.
of America soon started tuning in. That includes you. If you can't
recall tuning in, just smile politely and nod. Don't piss off "Access
Hollywood," tough guy. When it comes to shoving things down
your throat, the show-biz machine does it with brutal, unrelenting
force and you, sir, are no porn star.
you are-enjoy. Hope that works out for you.
Weekly recently issued subpoenas to Americans who refused to peruse
their recent "celeb-spotlight" on Simpson's favorite soft-drink
commercials. Thus begins the process of weeding out.
more lucrative could be the scenes MTV couldn't broadcast yet might
soon hit the video stores. Industry insiders hinted at censored
outtakes in which Simpson phones Information for an explanation
of "why they call it a blow job."
there was a time when I sneezed right in the middle of one,"
she reportedly reflected.
next season promises even more trips down idiot lane. An MTV staffer
told RED of recent footage in which Simpson shows up at a high school
"safe sex" rally wearing only a helmet and knee-pads.
headboards can hurt," she giggled while tapping her protected
unenlightened discourse may be due to her girlish naiveté
and her dedication to being virtuous, innocent and-during her late
teens-a fairy princess with butterscotch breath and banjo-playing
maintains that the inviting orifice of her gyrating, pop-princess
pelvis remained untouched until her wedding night. Unlike Britney
Spears, she stayed true to her pledge to young female fans when
it came to chastity. Now Rolling Stone magazine glosses her "Housewife
of the Year" while Spears descends into a raunchy mire of public
urination, gratuitous spit-swapping with middle-aged media whores
and the performance of solo sex acts in the back room of a karaoke
bar as Japanese businessmen toss money onto a dining table that
doubles as a demeaning showcase for self-defeat and cognac addiction.
might finally break from her status as an also-ran in a pop scene
full of lip-synching, midriff-baring pop "divas." Yes,
I'm looking at you, Rod Stewart.
we hear her name mentioned in a more esteemed company of bimbos.
Simpson joins a long list of iconic, dumb blondes: Marilyn Monroe,
Suzanne Somers of "Three's Company" fame and former Vice
President Dan Quayle all captivated the public with their shapely
cabooses and gushing sexuality. Brains and batteries come separately-but
Simpson entertains lucrative tuna contracts, starring roles in TV
sitcoms and just signed a book deal about her personal tragedy involving
aluminum foil, a microwave and a bottle of frozen Mike's Hard Lemonade.
(That was the day she truly became a woman.)
she didn't need a fancy college degree and the only dues she paid
were library ones. In Jessica Simpson, we have an inspiration for
anyone who survived serious brain trauma and all overbearing mothers
who want to mold their 11-year-old daughters into vacuous, automatons
of synthetic femininity. It's all about the Benjamins.
the way, what the hell has happened to Rolling Stone?