say your piece

ISSUE NO
.
158 20 NOVEMBER 2003
 
Man Sues Celebrity Sex Video Company for Making Collection Obsolete

By Jeremy Mathews

 
Burt Longhorn and his wife warm up the TV for some celebrity nude scenes.
 

overs of naked-celebrity footage may have to wait for a lawsuit to end before purchasing a new video release.

Housecleaner Burt Longhorn of Getterberg, Iowa, has filed a lawsuit against Slick Willy Home Video, Inc. and requested an injunction on the company’s two new video cassettes, “Celebrities…Naked!” and “Celebrities…Doing the Nasty!” Longhorn accuses the company of “making my video collection obsolete.”

“This is crap,” said Longhorn. “I’ve spent years taping movies with famous actresses naked off of HBO and Showtime, and now these guys have made my esteemed archive as obsolete as Jane Fonda.” Longhorn seeks to immediately halt the sale of the video until the lawsuit reaches a conclusion.

William Crackerbarrel, owner and operator of Slick Willy, believes that the case is “completely ridiculous.” “Since we’ve had the ad on TV for a month and none of the [major Hollywood studios] have tried to sue us, I assume we actually did everything legal this time,” Crackerbarrel said.

“It’s a sad day when a company can’t exploit for money footage of actresses trying to give serious, personal performances—or exploiting themselves for some extra dough, like [Halle] Berry showing her berries [in the film “Swordfish”] for an extra $500,000,” Crackerbarrel said. (It should be noted that Berry denied receiving extra payment to show her breasts.)

Longhorn doesn’t agree with Crackerbarrel’s “nonsense about legal rights,” claiming irreparable damage to his relationships with friends and family. “It used to be,” he said, “that I could invite my friends over to see Nicole Kidman on the toilet in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ or Sharon Stone flashing her bright spot in ‘Basic Instinct.’ But with the release of these two videos—which, to make things worse, are available over the phone as two for the price of one—my friends can just buy their own tape[s] of these scenes.”

In addition to losing the respect and company of his friends, Longhorn says that his son “looks at me differently now, just as his friends don’t look at him the same.”

“It used to be,” he said, “that my son would bring all his friends over after school when I was at work, and they would watch the scenes, in awe of the female form. Now any kid with his parents’ credit card and a deep voice can look at Demi Moore’s pole dance [in ‘Striptease.’]”

“This has really torn Burt up,” said Frank Wilderson, Longhorn’s attorney. “Slick Willy is just another corporation whose heads don’t consider how their actions effect the everyman. If they could see everything Burt has been through, they’d be sorry that they ever released that filthy video.”

“My client thoroughly secured the rights to sell every celebrity breast, ass and vagina,” said Peter Danderly, Esq., Slick Willy’s legal representative. “Whether my client trampled on this guy’s life or not—and my client admits to nothing—my client did it all within the confines of the law and constitution of the United States of America. My client.”
Crackerbarrel reiterated this sentiment: “Our forefathers, who drove a Plymouth just like I do, founded this country on the basis that people of every walk of life should be able to enjoy naked celebrities, not just the select few friends of an obsessive taper. Would you deny us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of J. Lo’s zonkers and Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon doing it? If you would, then the terrorists and communists have won.”
jeremy@red-mag.com

 
     
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