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“Yeah, I know Bush operatives portrayed me as an insane, herpes-riddled father of a black bastard child and the President never listens to a word I say,” McCain told reporters afterward as his tortured soul strained to leap from his body
 
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The Big Bush Push
RED wraps up the Republican Convention
 
photos from www.flickr.com/
 
 
 

by Craig Froehlich

 
New York City’s case of elephantiasis ended abruptly as the attendees of the Republican National Convention pulled up stakes and prepared for the final 60 campaigning days of George W. Bush’s bid for “re”-election.

Fresh from pretending to like butternut squash while visiting a battleground state—the unchallenged nominee took aim at time-travelers, “We are on the path to the future, and we're not turning back,” he said to a roaring crowd of delegates.

“Nuculear, strajiddy, libary,” he added.

“With the president’s leadership we can prevent Democrats from traveling back to 1963 in an attempt to block the presidential motorcade as it wheels into Dealey Plaza,” said Bush-backer Fred O’Donnell. “…or from freezing time and robbing jewelry stores while us Conservatives remain in a chronological stasis!” he shouted as reporters began to back away uneasily.

The president’s speech wraps up a GOP-tastic week of rhetoric and revelry that threw the spotlight on the more moderate members of the Republican Party while underplaying the arch-Conservative, hypocritical, some would say “evil” elements, at the foundation of Bush’s base support.

The GOP is once again a cornucopia of ethnicity with a unique brand of compassionate conservatism. “The Republican Party is more diverse than one might think, we’re not all rich white men,” Virginia delegate Edgar Winston said, “we’re actually kind of an off-pink.”

Although many feared that Republicans scheduled the convention so close to Sept. 11 and chose a New York City locale in an effort to capitalize on the nation’s tragedy, the GOP quickly allayed these fears by only mentioning the terrorist attacks 519 times.

On the Monday opener, former New York City Mayor Rudolph Guiliani lauded Bush as a “rock solid” leader. “He took several hammer blows to the head as a child and it seems to have had little effect,” he said.

Guiliani also introduced the convention’s subtle theme: “I don’t care what some dumb committee thinks. Saddam Hussein was responsible for the 9/11 attacks.”

“We love Bush! We love Bush!” the crowd shouted enthusiastically.

And who doesn’t love Bush?

Certainly Sen. John McCain of Arizona loves Bush. His overtly Faustian speech spoke glowingly of the Bush administration’s war in Iraq and described it as a “noble” endeavor.

This was not McCain’s first run-in with the utter nobility of the man he ran against in the 2000 Republican primaries.

“Yeah, I know Bush operatives portrayed me as an insane, herpes-riddled father of a black bastard child and the President never listens to a word I say,” McCain told reporters afterward as his tortured soul strained to leap from his body, “it’s just his way of showing affection, the little scamp.”

“We love Bush! We love Bush!” the crowd shouted enthusiastically.

The next day unveiled the comic styling of Bush’s twin daughters — Jenna and that other one. The delightful duo harkened back to such legendary comedy teams as Abbot and Costello and Beavis and Butthead. "Contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono," Jenna said.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” the crowd thought enthusiastically.

A block away from the festivities, a handful of protestors threw down their placards in frustration. “The whole reason I came here from Ohio to express my political views was because I thought Bush didn’t know the difference between Bono and mono,” sobbed Marvin “Itch” Rose, “This sucks, this really sucks.”

On two occasions, protestors made their way onto the delegation floor. Both times they were swept away in a swarm of Secret Service agents sworn to protect the custom-made elephant hats worn by some delegates. The fate of the female protestors remains unknown.

The partisan audience members shouted down the demonstrators enthusiastically, chanting what one could only assume was, “Form more queers! Form more queers!”

First Lady Laura Bush described her husband as a wonderful father and said he even put a lot of thought into starting a unprovoked war that has claimed nearly a thousand American lives and those of countless Iraqis thus far. “I saw him pacing on the White House lawn,” she said, “At one time I could’ve sworn he was pondering.”

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of California said he and other Republicans sympathized with the undocumented immigrants from Latin America, “I too dreamt of coming to America since I was a child,” he said, “I came here with little more than a few Mr. Universe titles and incredibly sculpted, white skin.

“At first, I could not get many film roles due to my poor English and heavy accent,” he continued, “I then learned that Americans like explosions and simple-minded catch phrases. We will pump you up, America, and terminate terrorism. Remember how I said I’d kill you last? It is not a tumor, hasta la vista, baby!”

Swing-voters with slight mental retardation swayed toward the Bush camp enthusiastically.

Despite showcasing speakers whose positions on abortion and gun laws run contrary to those of the Republican platform, the party maintained that it continues to be the proponent of traditional Conservative issues. These include “preserving the rights of the unborn child,” cutting taxes, preserving the traditional family unit, defending the American right to bear arms, nation building, record deficit spending, neo-fascist internationalism and the trampling of individual civil rights. “Wait, could you repeat that?” traditional Conservative media figure and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan said.

Republicans saved the real venom for the eve of the President’s arrival. Vice President Dick Cheney kept his act clean for primetime audiences. “Although I honor John Kerry’s service in Viet Nam,” the six-time recipient of deferments from military service said in his patented deadpan, “he is a loathsome man who single-handedly sought to dismantle our system of Democracy. I wouldn’t trust him to feed my goldfish let alone lead our country.”

“I hate him, I hate him,” he added.

Ironically, the best representative of the Republican platform was a Democratic senator from Georgia. Zell Miller tore into his own party’s candidate, calling Kerry irresponsible and unfit to be Commander in Chief. He said he no longer believed in a party hijacked by special interest groups (The Democratic one).
“Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper!” the crowd jeered enthusiastically, presumably referring to Kerry.

Miller continues to ignore the disdain of his fellow party members. It is not his first encounter with adversity. As one of the few remaining Dixiecrats, the 72-year-old saw his dream of institutionalized segregation between blacks and whites swept away by a wave of civil rights. He weathered the transition from calling blacks “Niggers” to the less derogatory “Negroes.” However, showing he was a man of compromise, Miller opted for the “Niggras” variation. Now that Southern blacks can vote, they flock to a Democratic Party infested with the high-minded ideals of intellectuals from the Northeastern United States—ideals that appeal to the non-Redneck working classes and minorities.

“This is not the party, I fell in love with. I should’ve gotten out when Strom did,” Miller said.

By the time Bush rolled into town, the crowd was primed for the main event. “Democracy is on the march,” he said, “in other countries.”

He vowed to continue his fight against terror although he neglected to mention the still at-large terrorist leader Osama bin Laden, probably by accident.

Unlike the days immediately following the Democratic Convention, no surprise headline-grabbing “Terror Alert Warnings” are planned. The 10-point jump in the polls for Bush that some news agencies have reported is expected to have staying power because Kerry gained no ground after his party’s convention, mainly because many feared New York was about to blow up.

craig@red-mag.com

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