ew York City’s case of elephantiasis
ended abruptly as the attendees of the Republican
National Convention pulled up stakes and prepared
for the final 60 campaigning days of George W. Bush’s
bid for “re”-election.
Fresh from pretending to like butternut squash while
visiting a battleground state—the unchallenged
nominee took aim at time-travelers, “We are
on the path to the future, and we're not turning
back,” he said to a roaring crowd of delegates.
“Nuculear, strajiddy, libary,” he added.
“With the president’s leadership we
can prevent Democrats from traveling back to 1963
in an attempt to block the presidential motorcade
as it wheels into Dealey Plaza,” said Bush-backer
Fred O’Donnell. “…or from freezing
time and robbing jewelry stores while us Conservatives
remain in a chronological stasis!” he shouted
as reporters began to back away uneasily.
The president’s speech wraps up a GOP-tastic
week of rhetoric and revelry that threw the spotlight
on the more moderate members of the Republican Party
while underplaying the arch-Conservative, hypocritical,
some would say “evil” elements, at the
foundation of Bush’s base support.
The GOP is once again a cornucopia of ethnicity
with a unique brand of compassionate conservatism. “The
Republican Party is more diverse than one might think,
we’re not all rich white men,” Virginia
delegate Edgar Winston said, “we’re actually
kind of an off-pink.”
Although many feared that Republicans scheduled
the convention so close to Sept. 11 and chose a New
York City locale in an effort to capitalize on the
nation’s tragedy, the GOP quickly allayed these
fears by only mentioning the terrorist attacks 519
On the Monday opener, former New York City Mayor
Rudolph Guiliani lauded Bush as a “rock solid” leader. “He
took several hammer blows to the head as a child
and it seems to have had little effect,” he
Guiliani also introduced the convention’s
subtle theme: “I don’t care what some
dumb committee thinks. Saddam Hussein was responsible
for the 9/11 attacks.”
“We love Bush! We love Bush!” the crowd
And who doesn’t love Bush?
Certainly Sen. John McCain of Arizona loves Bush.
His overtly Faustian speech spoke glowingly of the
Bush administration’s war in Iraq and described
it as a “noble” endeavor.
This was not McCain’s first run-in with the
utter nobility of the man he ran against in the 2000
“Yeah, I know Bush operatives portrayed me
as an insane, herpes-riddled father of a black bastard
child and the President never listens to a word I
say,” McCain told reporters afterward
as his tortured soul strained to leap from his body, “it’s
just his way of showing affection, the little scamp.”
“We love Bush! We love Bush!” the crowd
The next day unveiled the comic styling of Bush’s
twin daughters — Jenna and that other one.
The delightful duo harkened back to such legendary
comedy teams as Abbot and Costello and Beavis and
Butthead. "Contrary to what you might read in
the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool.
They do know the difference between mono and Bono," Jenna
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” the
crowd thought enthusiastically.
A block away from the festivities, a handful of
protestors threw down their placards in frustration. “The
whole reason I came here from Ohio to express my
political views was because I thought Bush didn’t
know the difference between Bono and mono,” sobbed
Marvin “Itch” Rose, “This sucks,
this really sucks.”
On two occasions, protestors made their way onto
the delegation floor. Both times they were swept
away in a swarm of Secret Service agents sworn to protect
the custom-made elephant hats worn by some delegates.
The fate of the female protestors remains unknown.
The partisan audience members shouted down the demonstrators
enthusiastically, chanting what one could only assume
was, “Form more queers! Form more queers!”
First Lady Laura Bush described her husband as a
wonderful father and said he even put a lot of thought
into starting a unprovoked war that has claimed nearly
a thousand American lives and those of countless
Iraqis thus far. “I saw him pacing on the White
House lawn,” she said, “At one time I
could’ve sworn he was pondering.”
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of California said he
and other Republicans sympathized with the undocumented
immigrants from Latin America, “I too dreamt
of coming to America since I was a child,” he
said, “I came here with little more than a
few Mr. Universe titles and incredibly sculpted, white
“At first, I could not get many film roles
due to my poor English and heavy accent,” he
continued, “I then learned that Americans like
explosions and simple-minded catch phrases. We will pump you up, America, and terminate terrorism. Remember how I said I’d
kill you last? It is not a tumor, hasta la vista, baby!”
Swing-voters with slight mental retardation swayed
toward the Bush camp enthusiastically.
Despite showcasing speakers whose positions on abortion
and gun laws run contrary to those of the Republican
platform, the party maintained that it continues
to be the proponent of traditional Conservative issues.
These include “preserving the rights of the
unborn child,” cutting taxes, preserving the
traditional family unit, defending the American right to bear arms, nation building, record deficit spending,
neo-fascist internationalism and the trampling of
individual civil rights. “Wait, could you repeat that?” traditional Conservative media figure and former presidential candidate
Pat Buchanan said.
Republicans saved the real venom for the eve of
the President’s arrival. Vice President Dick
Cheney kept his act clean for primetime audiences. “Although
I honor John Kerry’s service in Viet Nam,” the
six-time recipient of deferments from military service
said in his patented deadpan, “he is a loathsome
man who single-handedly sought to dismantle our system
of Democracy. I wouldn’t trust him to feed
my goldfish let alone lead our country.”
“I hate him, I hate him,” he added.
Ironically, the best representative of the Republican
platform was a Democratic senator from Georgia. Zell
Miller tore into his own party’s candidate,
calling Kerry irresponsible and unfit to be Commander
in Chief. He said he no longer believed in a party
hijacked by special interest groups (The Democratic
“Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper!” the crowd
jeered enthusiastically, presumably referring to Kerry.
Miller continues to ignore the disdain of his fellow
party members. It is not his first encounter with
adversity. As one of the few remaining Dixiecrats,
the 72-year-old saw his dream of institutionalized
segregation between blacks and whites swept away
by a wave of civil rights. He weathered the transition
from calling blacks “Niggers” to the
less derogatory “Negroes.” However, showing
he was a man of compromise, Miller opted for the “Niggras” variation.
Now that Southern blacks can vote, they flock to
a Democratic Party infested with the high-minded
ideals of intellectuals from the Northeastern United
States—ideals that appeal to the non-Redneck
working classes and minorities.
“This is not the party, I fell in love with.
I should’ve gotten out when Strom did,” Miller
By the time Bush rolled into town, the crowd was
primed for the main event. “Democracy is on
the march,” he said, “in other countries.”
He vowed to continue his fight against terror although
he neglected to mention the still at-large terrorist
leader Osama bin Laden, probably by accident.
Unlike the days immediately following the
Democratic Convention, no surprise headline-grabbing “Terror
Alert Warnings” are planned. The 10-point jump
in the polls for Bush that some news
agencies have reported is expected to have staying power because
Kerry gained no ground after his party’s convention,
mainly because many feared New York was about to