1. In September, the U.S. Congress allowed a ban on what controversial product to expire?

a.  Assault weapons
b.  Lawn darts
c. “Lil’ Miss Choking-Hazard” doll and accessories
d.  Lead-flavored gum

2. Federal authorities diverted an airliner and forcibly removed which former ‘70s singer songwriter and alleged Muslim extremist?

a.  Cat Stevens
b.  Harry Chapin
c.  Jim Croce
d.  Johnny Bravo

3. Republicans wrapped-up their national convention in early September. Democrats had their feathers ruffled by whose appearance?

a.  Democratic Senator Zell Miller
b.  Big Dick and the “Go Fuck Yourself” Dancer
c.  Swift Boat Veterans for Yo-Yo tricks
d.  Arnold Schwarzenegger’s entourage of grope-friendly female assistants

4. The scheduling of the Republican National Convention so close to the commemoration of what national tragedy raised eyebrows?

a.  The terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.
b.  The CIA-backed military overthrow of Chile’s legitimately elected government on Sept. 11, 1973.
c.  George Washington’s heroin overdose
d.  The premiere episode of NBC’s “Friends” spin-off, “Joey.”

5. Which word did President George W. Bush invent?
a.  Suicider
b.  Awfulize
c.  Cunnilngual-licious
d.  Eskimooh

7. Secretary of DefenseDonald Rumsfeld was quoted as saying:

a.   “…at some point the Iraqis will get tired of getting killed.”
b.   “I regret that you have but a thousand or so lives to lose for my country.”
c.   “The press ignores the fact that US troops are introducing the Iraqi people to a vital S&M subculture.”
d.   “I love ketchup, sometimes I want to put ketchup on top of my ketchup. That’s how much I love ketchup.”

7. The press took advantage of a photo opportunity to take pictures of presidential candidate John Kerry engaged in what activity?

a.  Windsurfing
b.  Swashbuckling
c.  Blaming it on the Bossa Nova
d.  Sexing a purdy lady.

8. Dan Rather and the CBS news division caught flak for releasing what questionable material?

a.  A fake letter from Bush’s former commanding officer criticizing the President’s lackluster military service.
b.  A McDonaldland placemat bearing President Bush’s signature on which Grimace was errantly colored orange and answer number two on the Funtime McQuiz was incorrectly answered. (The correct answer was McNuggets.)
c.  A doctored photo of John Kerry wearing a T-shirt bearing the phrase, “I hate freedom.”
d.  One of Dick Cheney's notebooks in which he jotted down handy shortcuts to summoning the ancient Sumerian god Marduk— the lord of lords, the master of magicians, the one whose name must go unspoken.

9. Pop star Britney Spears grabbed headlines after doing what?

a.  Marrying one of her backup dancers.
b.  Wearing a swastika armband on stage.
c.  Curing Cancer.
d.  Giving birth to a lizard? Changing her name to Harlot B. Sluttypants? Beats me, I never pay attention to that crap.

10. Which show took home the most Emmys at September’s awards ceremony?

a.  HBO’s “Angels in America”
b.  Cinemax’s “Angels in My Pants 2”
c.  Bravo’s “Evil Eye for the Straight Guy”
d.  HBO’s “Sopranos”—the “Wearing Out Its Welcome” episode

craig@red-mag.com